North vs. South

"The greatest conflicts are not between two people but between one person and himself.
--Garth Brooks

I am at war. I am at war with how I want to feel and how I actually feel. I am at war with wanting to improve myself and with just resigning myself to how I am now. I am at war with wanting to push everyone away and keeping everyone near me. I am at war with being myself and being whom others think that I am. I am at war with faking it and throwing everything in people's faces for shock value. I am at war between the past and the present.

People lie to themselves about all types of things. The reason behind most of them is for our own personal comfort. Sometimes I win, sometimes I lose…and I win more often than not…but when I lose, it’s always for the same reason – I made an excuse. Now, sometimes, lying to yourself can be okay. If you are trying to psych yourself up for something, you can fool yourself and even others into thinking things are possible. This is not true for this case. I lied to myself the past few months and built up things in my head in a way that did not reflect the situation at all. Eventually, even though I "knew" it was a lie, I didn't care, and I allowed myself to believe it-to my own detriment. Now, I am left with dealing and moving on. I have no one else to blame, nor do I try to. I am ashamed to admit that I am more bothered than I thought I would be and that I thought I knew what I wanted.

I was told yesterday I am a codependent person, which I would agree with. You mirror what you know, right? "Guilt and perfectionism often go along with low self-esteem. If everything is perfect, you don’t feel bad about yourself." With that said, of course I am not satisfied with just leaving this as is. Yes, as I stated above, I am in turmoil about wanting to give up, but this is just not me, and it will never be. I have ideas about what I would like to address in counseling. Much like God's plan, though, I know it doesn't often follow a straight, rational path, so I am curious to see what will surface. At the same time as the formal counseling, I am also reading several books of varying topics, "The Courage to Heal," "Our Thoughts Determine Our Lives," and "The Dance of Anger." I think doing an intensive focus on myself, without any distractions, especially during this Nativity fast, will be immensely beneficial to me.
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Dance in the Graveyards - Delta Rae

When I die
I don’t want to rest in peace
I want to dance in joy
I want to dance in the graveyards, the graveyards
And while I’m alive
I don’t want to be alone
Mourning the ones who came before
I want to dance with them some more
Let’s dance in the graveyards

Gloria, like some other name we kept on calling ya and waiting for change
But I belong to all of your mysteries

And all of us, we’re meant for the fire, but we keep rising up and walking the wires
So when we go below don’t lose us in mourning

’Cause when I die
I don’t want to rest in peace
I want to dance in joy
I want to dance in the graveyards, the graveyards
And while I’m alive
I don’t want to be alone
Mourning the ones who came before
I want to dance with them some more
Let’s dance in the graveyards

Oh my love, don’t cry when I’m gone
I will lift you up, the air in your lungs
And when you reach for me, we’ll dance in the darkness

And we will walk beyond
Our daughters and sons, they will carry on
Like when we were young, and we will stand beside and breathe in their new life

’Cause when I die
I don’t want to rest in peace
I want to dance in joy
I want to dance in the graveyards, the graveyards
And while I’m alive
I don’t want to be alone
Mourning the ones who came before
I want to dance with them some more
Let’s dance in the graveyards