It's Easier to Run

I need to apologize. I have been lying to myself and I have been lying to you. If you are reading these posts, most likely I care about you in some capacity. I do not deny that. What I have been lying about is the depth of my feelings. I live constantly in the state of denial, and I am the executive, judicial, and legislative ruler.

Sometimes denial is a good thing when you are trying not to get sick in the middle of winter! Most of the time, however, it is just a delay feature in your brain so that you do not have to deal with life as it is. Some things I do deal with head on, but I was taught from an early age that things that make you uncomfortable should be swept under the rug and not dealt with. You just shut down emotionally and move on. I still avoid confrontation as much as I can. I choose the path of least resistance. I select the easy option and then run down that path as fast and as far as I can.

When you live your life in a state of emotional numbness(denial), learning to feel can be a very alien and frightening thing. It's easy to float down the river in a calm stream, but if you look over to the side and see a river with rapids, rocks, and falls, why would you choose that option? Having said this, I have been down a physical river with rapids, rocks, and falls, and reaching the end of that is a wonderful feeling.

If you go into a bookstore, one of the biggest non-fiction sections is self-help. There are lots of books dealing with specific diseases, and books talking about children learning to feel. It is assumed that when you become an adult, you have some idea of how to feel emotions. This is inaccurate. Living your life as though it were a gray canvas, it is hard to add color without fearing the color will damage the nice, nondescript canvas you have in front of you. It is easy to say, "Just acknowledge what you are feeling." How do you know what you are feeling if you have never felt before? I can describe anger, sadness, hurt, etc. but I am much better and more accurate at describing numbness.

I have gotten better at trying to let myself "be" wherever I am emotionally, but if something comes up, I still bring out the suit of armor. I can take care of myself, and no one needs to worry about me. In the extreme instances, even God is not allowed in. Sometimes I do this subconsciously and automatically without even realizing it until I think on it later or someone calls my bluff. What I have come to realize, though, is that people do not call your bluffs usually. Who wants to go where they are not wanted? It is up to you to rip off the mask, but jeez, it's hard.
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It's Easier to Run - Linkin Park

It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

Something has been taken from deep inside of me
The secret I've kept locked away no one can ever see
Wounds so deep they never show they never go away
Like moving pictures in my head for years and years they've played

(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(If I could take all the shame to the grave I would)
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(I would take all my shame to the grave)

[Chorus]
It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories I wish I didn't have
Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back
And never moving forward so there'd never be a past

(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(If I could take all the shame to the grave I would)
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(I would take all my shame to the grave)

Just washing it aside
All of the helplessness inside
Pretending I don't feel misplaced
It's so much simpler than change

[Chorus]
It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

It's easier to run
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made)
It's easier to go
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(I would take all my shame to the grave)