Risks and Safety

So much processing has been going on in my head for the past week. I haven't been entirely sure how to put it in writing without saying too much. This is a semi-public arena after all.  :)

Every so often, I get restless. Road trips are my best friend because usually they are spontaneous and far away. Occasionally I will get an urge to just jump in the car and drive and see where the wheels take me. Having responsibilities to the house, job, and fur-kids, I can't often go too far, but retreating into nature always recharges me, even if I can only be there for a brief moment.

I took a huge risk this weekend. I don't regret what I did completely, especially depending on how it turns out. I think no matter the outcome, though, I feel happy that I took the risk. As I have stated in earlier posts, I have been trying to escape my comfort zone and my "normals," and this will take me to where my end result is. The ends justify the means is an apt statement here, although no one was hurt in this case.

I was looking at an icon of St. John Climacus's Ladder of Divine Ascent during vespers on Saturday(while absolutely paying attention to the service!). For those unfamiliar with him, he wrote a book, The Ladder of Divine Ascent, that talks about steps to ascend to heaven. It is geared more toward monastics, but obviously, it can be applied to the lay people as well. I think about this ladder and that sometimes, I am on the bottom rung, and sometimes I am in the middle steps of the ladder, and in some occasional instances, I have yet to ascend the ladder. Oftentimes, we never realize the progression we make until we take inventory of ourselves. Yes, we can look ahead and see how far we have yet to go, but for me, personally, I rarely look back and think, "Last year at this time..." Spiritually, it is dangerous for my pride to do that; emotionally and mentally, I think it's necessary. I am not saying they are mutually exclusive because, of course, spirituality is wrapped up in everything.

So, at the risk of sounding arrogant and self-loving, I think I have made alot of personal progress over the past year(although we have 2 months to go). Thinking about the times I have been afraid and have still done the very thing that frightens me makes me proud of where I am. In no way do I think that I am done. I still struggle with commitment issues and intimacy fears, but overall, it's a slow but steady journey.

As for the risk, we shall just have to see how that plays out...
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Prayer for Love:
Christ my God, set my heart on fire with love in You, that in its flame I may love You with all my heart, with all my mind, and with all my soul and with all my strength, and my neighbor as myself, so that by keeping Your commandments I may glorify You the Giver of every good and perfect gift. Amen.