Horses are my favorite animal. Yes, I love dogs, but the only reason I have dogs and not horses, is because 1. you cannot take a horse inside the house, and 2. the cost is MUCH higher.
I'm not sure when exactly the love affair began. It may have been at some point between learning about She-Ra's magnificent winged horse, Swiftwind, and sitting on the jet-black Tennessee Walking horse that was showing at the fairgrounds. All I remember is flowing mane and tail, but I was hooked immediately. I kept begging my mother to buy me a horse, and promised her all sorts of chores, grades, good behavior, etc. so that my dream would come true. Her response was to buy 5 Newfoundland dogs, instead. Now, don't get me wrong, the Newfies are my favorite breed of dog, but I cannot ride them. They do make excellent pillows, however! Since I was unable to convince my mom to get any horse, even when we moved out to the country, I devoured as many books as I could, and accepted any type of riding opportunities possible. I only started lessons when I was in college, and I could pay for them myself. Currently, I am still piggybacking on friends with horses and plotting how to have a car payment and lease a horse at the same time.
While I appreciate a clean environment, I dislike cleaning(unless I am stress-cleaning). However, I can spend hours in the barn making sure all the tack is cleaned, the floor is spotless, and the horses are happy. I love the smell of a barn(horse-NOT cow), the light on the hay at either sunrise or sunset, the sounds of the horses in their stalls chewing their feed, and the feel of the soft leather after it has been cleaned and oiled. It is so peaceful and relaxing to feel like you're back in the 1800's-no cars, no pollution-light or otherwise, and no technology.
Being on the back of a horse, whether trotting, cantering, or galloping, gives me a feeling of freedom and joy like no other. While there is a physical benefit when you get into the more technical aspects and finesse of riding, the mental benefits are what draw me back every time. I like boats for the same reason-when you are skimming over the waves or flying above the grassy plains, it feels like flying. For those few precious minutes, it feels as if life has gone away and you are riding the light waves.
Horses, like dogs, are sensitive to a person's energy, and I always know if I am relaxed or tense based on how the horse is reacting to my requests. If the horse is fidgety and wants to run too fast, most likely, my calves are probably squeezing much too hard. If he keeps tossing his head or pulling on the reins, most likely I am trying to control him, rather than guiding him to where I want to go. It all comes down to boundaries. If I am too hard in one area and confusing in another, how can I expect the horse to understand? It is amazing how much nicer the ride is when I take deep breaths and allow the horse to carry me, maintaining a supportive, yet relaxed, control of the ride. Now, if I could learn to do this in personal relationships, I would be much better off!
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Forgive - Sanctus Real
Well the past is playing with my head
And failure knocks me down again
I’m reminded of the wrong
That I have said and done
And that devil just wont let me forget
In this life
I know what I’ve been
But here in your arms
I know what I am
I’m forgiven
I’m forgiven
And I don’t have to carry
The weight of who I’ve been
Cause I’m forgiven
My mistakes are running through my mind
And I’ll relive my days, in the middle of the night
When I struggle with my pain, wrestle with my pride
Sometimes I feel alone, and I cry
In this life
I know what I’ve been
But here in your arms
I know what I am
I’m forgiven
I’m forgiven
And I don’t have to carry
The weight of who I’ve been
Cause I’m forgiven
When I don't fit in
And I don’t feel like I belong anywhere
When I don’t measure up to much in this life
Oh, I’m a treasure in the arms of Christ
Cause I’m forgiven
I’m forgiven
And I don’t have to carry
The weight of who I’ve been
Cause I’m forgiven
Monday, November 19, 2012
Thursday, November 15, 2012
North vs. South
"The greatest conflicts are not between two people but between one person and himself.
--Garth Brooks
I am at war. I am at war with how I want to feel and how I actually feel. I am at war with wanting to improve myself and with just resigning myself to how I am now. I am at war with wanting to push everyone away and keeping everyone near me. I am at war with being myself and being whom others think that I am. I am at war with faking it and throwing everything in people's faces for shock value. I am at war between the past and the present.
People lie to themselves about all types of things. The reason behind most of them is for our own personal comfort. Sometimes I win, sometimes I lose…and I win more often than not…but when I lose, it’s always for the same reason – I made an excuse. Now, sometimes, lying to yourself can be okay. If you are trying to psych yourself up for something, you can fool yourself and even others into thinking things are possible. This is not true for this case. I lied to myself the past few months and built up things in my head in a way that did not reflect the situation at all. Eventually, even though I "knew" it was a lie, I didn't care, and I allowed myself to believe it-to my own detriment. Now, I am left with dealing and moving on. I have no one else to blame, nor do I try to. I am ashamed to admit that I am more bothered than I thought I would be and that I thought I knew what I wanted.
I was told yesterday I am a codependent person, which I would agree with. You mirror what you know, right? "Guilt and perfectionism often go along with low self-esteem. If everything is perfect, you don’t feel bad about yourself." With that said, of course I am not satisfied with just leaving this as is. Yes, as I stated above, I am in turmoil about wanting to give up, but this is just not me, and it will never be. I have ideas about what I would like to address in counseling. Much like God's plan, though, I know it doesn't often follow a straight, rational path, so I am curious to see what will surface. At the same time as the formal counseling, I am also reading several books of varying topics, "The Courage to Heal," "Our Thoughts Determine Our Lives," and "The Dance of Anger." I think doing an intensive focus on myself, without any distractions, especially during this Nativity fast, will be immensely beneficial to me.
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Dance in the Graveyards - Delta Rae
--Garth Brooks
I am at war. I am at war with how I want to feel and how I actually feel. I am at war with wanting to improve myself and with just resigning myself to how I am now. I am at war with wanting to push everyone away and keeping everyone near me. I am at war with being myself and being whom others think that I am. I am at war with faking it and throwing everything in people's faces for shock value. I am at war between the past and the present.
People lie to themselves about all types of things. The reason behind most of them is for our own personal comfort. Sometimes I win, sometimes I lose…and I win more often than not…but when I lose, it’s always for the same reason – I made an excuse. Now, sometimes, lying to yourself can be okay. If you are trying to psych yourself up for something, you can fool yourself and even others into thinking things are possible. This is not true for this case. I lied to myself the past few months and built up things in my head in a way that did not reflect the situation at all. Eventually, even though I "knew" it was a lie, I didn't care, and I allowed myself to believe it-to my own detriment. Now, I am left with dealing and moving on. I have no one else to blame, nor do I try to. I am ashamed to admit that I am more bothered than I thought I would be and that I thought I knew what I wanted.
I was told yesterday I am a codependent person, which I would agree with. You mirror what you know, right? "Guilt and perfectionism often go along with low self-esteem. If everything is perfect, you don’t feel bad about yourself." With that said, of course I am not satisfied with just leaving this as is. Yes, as I stated above, I am in turmoil about wanting to give up, but this is just not me, and it will never be. I have ideas about what I would like to address in counseling. Much like God's plan, though, I know it doesn't often follow a straight, rational path, so I am curious to see what will surface. At the same time as the formal counseling, I am also reading several books of varying topics, "The Courage to Heal," "Our Thoughts Determine Our Lives," and "The Dance of Anger." I think doing an intensive focus on myself, without any distractions, especially during this Nativity fast, will be immensely beneficial to me.
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Dance in the Graveyards - Delta Rae
When I die
I don’t want to rest in peace
I want to dance in joy
I want to dance in the graveyards, the graveyards
And while I’m alive
I don’t want to be alone
Mourning the ones who came before
I want to dance with them some more
Let’s dance in the graveyards
Gloria, like some other name we kept on calling ya and waiting for change
But I belong to all of your mysteries
And all of us, we’re meant for the fire, but we keep rising up and walking the wires
So when we go below don’t lose us in mourning
’Cause when I die
I don’t want to rest in peace
I want to dance in joy
I want to dance in the graveyards, the graveyards
And while I’m alive
I don’t want to be alone
Mourning the ones who came before
I want to dance with them some more
Let’s dance in the graveyards
Oh my love, don’t cry when I’m gone
I will lift you up, the air in your lungs
And when you reach for me, we’ll dance in the darkness
And we will walk beyond
Our daughters and sons, they will carry on
Like when we were young, and we will stand beside and breathe in their new life
’Cause when I die
I don’t want to rest in peace
I want to dance in joy
I want to dance in the graveyards, the graveyards
And while I’m alive
I don’t want to be alone
Mourning the ones who came before
I want to dance with them some more
Let’s dance in the graveyards
I don’t want to rest in peace
I want to dance in joy
I want to dance in the graveyards, the graveyards
And while I’m alive
I don’t want to be alone
Mourning the ones who came before
I want to dance with them some more
Let’s dance in the graveyards
Gloria, like some other name we kept on calling ya and waiting for change
But I belong to all of your mysteries
And all of us, we’re meant for the fire, but we keep rising up and walking the wires
So when we go below don’t lose us in mourning
’Cause when I die
I don’t want to rest in peace
I want to dance in joy
I want to dance in the graveyards, the graveyards
And while I’m alive
I don’t want to be alone
Mourning the ones who came before
I want to dance with them some more
Let’s dance in the graveyards
Oh my love, don’t cry when I’m gone
I will lift you up, the air in your lungs
And when you reach for me, we’ll dance in the darkness
And we will walk beyond
Our daughters and sons, they will carry on
Like when we were young, and we will stand beside and breathe in their new life
’Cause when I die
I don’t want to rest in peace
I want to dance in joy
I want to dance in the graveyards, the graveyards
And while I’m alive
I don’t want to be alone
Mourning the ones who came before
I want to dance with them some more
Let’s dance in the graveyards
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Character, Personality, or Habits?
I am almost envious of my ancestors and their isolation from other communities. The media tells us about so many conflicting qualities that are required to be "valuable." If I tried to be everything to everybody, I would be pulled in many different directions, and there would be nothing left of me for me. Despite my ability to appear as superwoman, I am anything but. Shocking, I know, but I am really good at pretending when it relates to me and avoiding discomfort.
Nature vs. nurture is a long-standing argument about what has more influence, but in reality, what difference does it make? If you have something you want to improve, or something people think about you, does it really matter where it comes from? People are not scientific experiments and do not live in bubbles where you can remove variables because there is no way to recreate the exact situation, and it also begs the question, "What is the 'control' group?" Some people might say chemical differences, genes, etc., but I think you can also choose to change. Of course, this also goes along with the free will vs. predestination debate. You could argue that my decision to change could be in my character or it could be from the example from my parents. There is really no way to address this issue without attempting from one side or the other. I say, why not both, and who cares which one has more impact? In my opinion(although no one asks), people sometimes try to find a scapegoat where they can so that they do not have to take responsibility for their own lives.
People really don't want to hear the truth. I am not good at sugar-coating Sometimes, I fall into this trap as well. There are certain things that I am sensitive about, and I initially will bristle at comments, but I actually respect and appreciate the person for telling me the truth. I think part of this is my constant desire to improve me.
Whether or not my desire to be perfect is from my upbringing or my personality is a moot point. In either case, it must be attacked, demolished, and removed before I can accept myself. Of course, the only reason I desire to address this issue is because I want to be perfect. Hmm...this is something of a catch-22...
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Pirate Bones
What if I squeeze myself into any shape
And I still don't fit?
What if I bend myself so much that I break
And I can't mend it?
What if I burn so bright that the fire goes out
And I can't stay lit?
What's the point in it?
I could get good at crying crocodile tears
Just to get along
I could carry on telling you wanna hear
'til my voice is gone
But if I finally get to the place that I think is home
And I don't belong
What's the point in it?
Where's the benefit?
When I'm gaining all but I'm losing it
[Chorus:]
It's not worth having
If it's too much to hold
You can dig so deep
That you're left with a hole
Thirsty in a desert with a bag full of gold
Don't wanna end up like pirate bones
What I thought was precious was just a pile o' stones
I might have the treasure but I'd be lying alone
Just a pile of pirate bones
If I forfeit my soul it ain't worth having
If it's something I stole it ain't worth having
What if I stake everything I am on a dream
And it's counterfeit?
If I reach the end that justifies the means
Could I live with it?
And if it's true that having too much of any good thing
Could only make me sick
What's the point in it
Where's the benefit
When I'm gaining all but I'm losing it
Oh, oh
[Chorus]
It's not worth that much to me
If losing out is what it means
To swim in shallow victory
Is empty, empty
It's just not worth the price
It's only a fools paradise
If it's draining every drop of life 'til I'm dry like pirate bones
[Chorus]
Nature vs. nurture is a long-standing argument about what has more influence, but in reality, what difference does it make? If you have something you want to improve, or something people think about you, does it really matter where it comes from? People are not scientific experiments and do not live in bubbles where you can remove variables because there is no way to recreate the exact situation, and it also begs the question, "What is the 'control' group?" Some people might say chemical differences, genes, etc., but I think you can also choose to change. Of course, this also goes along with the free will vs. predestination debate. You could argue that my decision to change could be in my character or it could be from the example from my parents. There is really no way to address this issue without attempting from one side or the other. I say, why not both, and who cares which one has more impact? In my opinion(although no one asks), people sometimes try to find a scapegoat where they can so that they do not have to take responsibility for their own lives.
People really don't want to hear the truth. I am not good at sugar-coating Sometimes, I fall into this trap as well. There are certain things that I am sensitive about, and I initially will bristle at comments, but I actually respect and appreciate the person for telling me the truth. I think part of this is my constant desire to improve me.
Whether or not my desire to be perfect is from my upbringing or my personality is a moot point. In either case, it must be attacked, demolished, and removed before I can accept myself. Of course, the only reason I desire to address this issue is because I want to be perfect. Hmm...this is something of a catch-22...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Pirate Bones
What if I squeeze myself into any shape
And I still don't fit?
What if I bend myself so much that I break
And I can't mend it?
What if I burn so bright that the fire goes out
And I can't stay lit?
What's the point in it?
I could get good at crying crocodile tears
Just to get along
I could carry on telling you wanna hear
'til my voice is gone
But if I finally get to the place that I think is home
And I don't belong
What's the point in it?
Where's the benefit?
When I'm gaining all but I'm losing it
[Chorus:]
It's not worth having
If it's too much to hold
You can dig so deep
That you're left with a hole
Thirsty in a desert with a bag full of gold
Don't wanna end up like pirate bones
What I thought was precious was just a pile o' stones
I might have the treasure but I'd be lying alone
Just a pile of pirate bones
If I forfeit my soul it ain't worth having
If it's something I stole it ain't worth having
What if I stake everything I am on a dream
And it's counterfeit?
If I reach the end that justifies the means
Could I live with it?
And if it's true that having too much of any good thing
Could only make me sick
What's the point in it
Where's the benefit
When I'm gaining all but I'm losing it
Oh, oh
[Chorus]
It's not worth that much to me
If losing out is what it means
To swim in shallow victory
Is empty, empty
It's just not worth the price
It's only a fools paradise
If it's draining every drop of life 'til I'm dry like pirate bones
[Chorus]
Monday, November 12, 2012
Relationships
“Perhaps the reason we are unable to love is that we yearn to be loved, that is, we demand something (love) from our partner instead of delivering ourselves up to him demand-free and asking for nothing but his company.” - Milan Kundera
I feel. At this point, this is all I can commit to. In some ways, I feel strangely settled; in other ways, I feel determined, just in general, to "fix" the problem.
I do not pretend to be any type of expert on relationships, but in my mulling over recent events, I realized that most of the time when I enter into a relationship of any kind, I go into it thinking of what I am getting out of it, not what I have to offer the other person. So, then I started thinking, what do I have to offer someone else? What makes me more special than the person next to me?
The answer, shockingly, is nothing. This brings to mind the phrase "I am unique, just like everyone else." :) Yes, I have a really witty sense of humor, large vocabulary, I'm nice, blah, blah, blah; but really, how does that benefit the other party? All it does is serve MY needs. Witty sense of humor = deflecting when I am uncomfortable, large vocabulary means I can make myself seem more intelligent than the people around me, and being nice just means that I don't rock the boat or create any kind of conflict. There are some side benefits to these qualities, but that is only accidental and not due to any intentional desire to sacrifice myself for the other half.
The good thing as far as my spiritual life goes is that God WANTS me to realize that I bring nothing to the table. Nothing, good or bad, does anything to sway His love in either direction. I still struggle with this, even on the best of days. Surely, that good deed I did will outweigh the sin I just committed in my head, right? 5 points for going to Orthros AND Liturgy, -4 points for getting angry, etc... I still need to get it in my head that God already knows all of this, and yet, He still desires what is good for me and has adopted me into His family with no chance of getting myself kicked out.
I am going back to therapy this week. I realize there is still a stigma associated with therapists/counselors, but if you have a disease, you go to someone that has the training and expertise to assist you. Yes, I could (and do) self-medicate, but I will make so much more progress with someone that knows more than I do. I don't have any expectations at this point, which may be a good thing. I know the areas I need to focus on; but beyond that, I am trying to stay open-minded and willing to be open and frank so that I can get the most bang for my buck and be the best that I can be...and all those other cliches!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is a song I used to sing almost every other week, but I haven't heard in awhile. It was posted on Facebook today, and it pretty accurately describes what I needed to hear.
Come Ye Sinners - Indelible Grace
1. Come, ye sinners, poor and wretched,
Weak and wounded, sick and sore;
Jesus, ready, stands to save you,
Full of pity, joined with power.
He is able, He is able;
He is willing; doubt no more.
2. Come ye needy, come, and welcome,
God's free bounty glorify;
True belief and true repentance,
Every grace that brings you nigh.
Without money, without money
Come to Jesus Christ and buy.
3. Come, ye weary, heavy laden,
Bruised and broken by the fall;
If you tarry 'til you're better,
You will never come at all.
Not the righteous, not the righteous;
Sinners Jesus came to call.
4. Let not conscience make you linger,
Nor of fitness fondly dream;
All the fitness He requireth
Is to feel your need of Him.
This He gives you, this He gives you,
'Tis the Spirit's rising beam.
5. Lo! The Incarnate God, ascended;
Pleads the merit of His blood.
Venture on Him; venture wholly,
Let no other trust intrude.
None but Jesus, none but Jesus
Can do helpless sinners good.
I feel. At this point, this is all I can commit to. In some ways, I feel strangely settled; in other ways, I feel determined, just in general, to "fix" the problem.
I do not pretend to be any type of expert on relationships, but in my mulling over recent events, I realized that most of the time when I enter into a relationship of any kind, I go into it thinking of what I am getting out of it, not what I have to offer the other person. So, then I started thinking, what do I have to offer someone else? What makes me more special than the person next to me?
The answer, shockingly, is nothing. This brings to mind the phrase "I am unique, just like everyone else." :) Yes, I have a really witty sense of humor, large vocabulary, I'm nice, blah, blah, blah; but really, how does that benefit the other party? All it does is serve MY needs. Witty sense of humor = deflecting when I am uncomfortable, large vocabulary means I can make myself seem more intelligent than the people around me, and being nice just means that I don't rock the boat or create any kind of conflict. There are some side benefits to these qualities, but that is only accidental and not due to any intentional desire to sacrifice myself for the other half.
The good thing as far as my spiritual life goes is that God WANTS me to realize that I bring nothing to the table. Nothing, good or bad, does anything to sway His love in either direction. I still struggle with this, even on the best of days. Surely, that good deed I did will outweigh the sin I just committed in my head, right? 5 points for going to Orthros AND Liturgy, -4 points for getting angry, etc... I still need to get it in my head that God already knows all of this, and yet, He still desires what is good for me and has adopted me into His family with no chance of getting myself kicked out.
I am going back to therapy this week. I realize there is still a stigma associated with therapists/counselors, but if you have a disease, you go to someone that has the training and expertise to assist you. Yes, I could (and do) self-medicate, but I will make so much more progress with someone that knows more than I do. I don't have any expectations at this point, which may be a good thing. I know the areas I need to focus on; but beyond that, I am trying to stay open-minded and willing to be open and frank so that I can get the most bang for my buck and be the best that I can be...and all those other cliches!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is a song I used to sing almost every other week, but I haven't heard in awhile. It was posted on Facebook today, and it pretty accurately describes what I needed to hear.
Come Ye Sinners - Indelible Grace
1. Come, ye sinners, poor and wretched,
Weak and wounded, sick and sore;
Jesus, ready, stands to save you,
Full of pity, joined with power.
He is able, He is able;
He is willing; doubt no more.
2. Come ye needy, come, and welcome,
God's free bounty glorify;
True belief and true repentance,
Every grace that brings you nigh.
Without money, without money
Come to Jesus Christ and buy.
3. Come, ye weary, heavy laden,
Bruised and broken by the fall;
If you tarry 'til you're better,
You will never come at all.
Not the righteous, not the righteous;
Sinners Jesus came to call.
4. Let not conscience make you linger,
Nor of fitness fondly dream;
All the fitness He requireth
Is to feel your need of Him.
This He gives you, this He gives you,
'Tis the Spirit's rising beam.
5. Lo! The Incarnate God, ascended;
Pleads the merit of His blood.
Venture on Him; venture wholly,
Let no other trust intrude.
None but Jesus, none but Jesus
Can do helpless sinners good.
Friday, November 9, 2012
Idols
"A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery while on a detour." ~Author Unknown
I have been very distracted the past week and a half. This week I have been so focused on my emotional self that I have not done any introspection on my spiritual self. I have had plenty of conversations with myself, but none of them have been with God. Granted, I do sometimes (often) get too inside my head, but this week I have been feeling sorry for myself. I have done no prayers, no reading of the bible or spiritual, and no contemplation of my soul since confession on Saturday. You might think this would make my week easier, but in all honesty, it actually made it MORE difficult. You end up wishing your life away. "I wish today were Friday." Then, on Friday, you wish it were 5 PM, but you never really enjoy the day as it is occurring. The days fly by way too fast as it is, and they only seem to accelerate. Also, there is no grounding when your head goes where it shouldn't because there is no "zero."
I would love to be able to say that I have no one else before God, but the truth is, there are so many idols in front of Him, I cannot even see Him through the haze. People, work, myself, material things, pride, music, etc. all take precedence unless I am having a rough time. My fair-weather "friends" drop away, and He is the only thing left there waiting to help me. Then, when things perk up again, all the noise clamors for my attention, and I forget all over again. If He were a human, I would say He was an enabler, and that He should just quit being there. I don't know if I am testing Him, as I often do with people, to see what it will take for Him to give up and just dump me. Of course, it is not a conscious decision, but it is something I still choose in some capacity because I have not addressed the issue at its base.
My relationship with God should be my most intimate one, and in some ways it is, but I still have this idea that God doesn't know all my "junk," and if He knew, He wouldn't love me unconditionally. This is BS, I know, but for some reason, sometimes I think I can pull one over on God and keep up the screen that I have for everyone else. I have to remind myself that He already knows about that thing I did, what I thought about him, and what I said that one time in anger. I think in some ways it just sounds too good to be true. There are alot of scam artists in this world, and believing them will get you in trouble, and this sounds like a really big promise, but as I've learned in the past, promises are not always kept. It is hard to decide who to start to trust in first-people or God. God is more reliable, but people are not as scary to start with. I was discussing with friends that in order to trust or love someone, you have to actually trust or love them. The good thing about God is that He is there whenever you are ready. Whether it's 5 hours or 15 years later, it is never too late to realize the depth of His love and grace.
It is nice to know that you can lean on God without worry of Him failing you. I have taken care of everything for so long, it means alot for someone to want to take care of me sometimes.
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Unfailing Love - Chris Tomlin
You have my heart
And I am Yours forever
You are my strength
God of grace and power
And everything You hold in Your hand
Still You make time for me
I can't understand
Praise You God of Earth and sky
How beautiful is Your unfailing love
Unfailing love
And You never change God You remain
The Holy One
My unfailing love
Unfailing love
You are my rock
The one I hold on to
You are my song
And I sing for You
And everything You hold in Your hand
Still You make time for me
I can't understand
Praise You God of Earth and sky
How beautiful is Your unfailing love
Unfailing love
And You never change God You remain
The Holy One
My Unfailing love
Unfailing love
And everything You hold in Your hand
Still you make time for me
I can't understand
Praise You God of Earth and sky
How beautiful is Your unfailing love
Unfailing love
And You never change God You remain
The Holy One
My Unfailing love
Unfailing love
I will praise You
Praise you God of earth and sky
How beautiful is your unfailing love
Unfailing love
And You never change God You remain
The Holy One
My Unfailing love
I have been very distracted the past week and a half. This week I have been so focused on my emotional self that I have not done any introspection on my spiritual self. I have had plenty of conversations with myself, but none of them have been with God. Granted, I do sometimes (often) get too inside my head, but this week I have been feeling sorry for myself. I have done no prayers, no reading of the bible or spiritual, and no contemplation of my soul since confession on Saturday. You might think this would make my week easier, but in all honesty, it actually made it MORE difficult. You end up wishing your life away. "I wish today were Friday." Then, on Friday, you wish it were 5 PM, but you never really enjoy the day as it is occurring. The days fly by way too fast as it is, and they only seem to accelerate. Also, there is no grounding when your head goes where it shouldn't because there is no "zero."
I would love to be able to say that I have no one else before God, but the truth is, there are so many idols in front of Him, I cannot even see Him through the haze. People, work, myself, material things, pride, music, etc. all take precedence unless I am having a rough time. My fair-weather "friends" drop away, and He is the only thing left there waiting to help me. Then, when things perk up again, all the noise clamors for my attention, and I forget all over again. If He were a human, I would say He was an enabler, and that He should just quit being there. I don't know if I am testing Him, as I often do with people, to see what it will take for Him to give up and just dump me. Of course, it is not a conscious decision, but it is something I still choose in some capacity because I have not addressed the issue at its base.
My relationship with God should be my most intimate one, and in some ways it is, but I still have this idea that God doesn't know all my "junk," and if He knew, He wouldn't love me unconditionally. This is BS, I know, but for some reason, sometimes I think I can pull one over on God and keep up the screen that I have for everyone else. I have to remind myself that He already knows about that thing I did, what I thought about him, and what I said that one time in anger. I think in some ways it just sounds too good to be true. There are alot of scam artists in this world, and believing them will get you in trouble, and this sounds like a really big promise, but as I've learned in the past, promises are not always kept. It is hard to decide who to start to trust in first-people or God. God is more reliable, but people are not as scary to start with. I was discussing with friends that in order to trust or love someone, you have to actually trust or love them. The good thing about God is that He is there whenever you are ready. Whether it's 5 hours or 15 years later, it is never too late to realize the depth of His love and grace.
It is nice to know that you can lean on God without worry of Him failing you. I have taken care of everything for so long, it means alot for someone to want to take care of me sometimes.
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Unfailing Love - Chris Tomlin
You have my heart
And I am Yours forever
You are my strength
God of grace and power
And everything You hold in Your hand
Still You make time for me
I can't understand
Praise You God of Earth and sky
How beautiful is Your unfailing love
Unfailing love
And You never change God You remain
The Holy One
My unfailing love
Unfailing love
You are my rock
The one I hold on to
You are my song
And I sing for You
And everything You hold in Your hand
Still You make time for me
I can't understand
Praise You God of Earth and sky
How beautiful is Your unfailing love
Unfailing love
And You never change God You remain
The Holy One
My Unfailing love
Unfailing love
And everything You hold in Your hand
Still you make time for me
I can't understand
Praise You God of Earth and sky
How beautiful is Your unfailing love
Unfailing love
And You never change God You remain
The Holy One
My Unfailing love
Unfailing love
I will praise You
Praise you God of earth and sky
How beautiful is your unfailing love
Unfailing love
And You never change God You remain
The Holy One
My Unfailing love
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
It's Easier to Run
I need to apologize. I have been lying to myself and I have been lying to you. If you are reading these posts, most likely I care about you in some capacity. I do not deny that. What I have been lying about is the depth of my feelings. I live constantly in the state of denial, and I am the executive, judicial, and legislative ruler.
Sometimes denial is a good thing when you are trying not to get sick in the middle of winter! Most of the time, however, it is just a delay feature in your brain so that you do not have to deal with life as it is. Some things I do deal with head on, but I was taught from an early age that things that make you uncomfortable should be swept under the rug and not dealt with. You just shut down emotionally and move on. I still avoid confrontation as much as I can. I choose the path of least resistance. I select the easy option and then run down that path as fast and as far as I can.
When you live your life in a state of emotional numbness(denial), learning to feel can be a very alien and frightening thing. It's easy to float down the river in a calm stream, but if you look over to the side and see a river with rapids, rocks, and falls, why would you choose that option? Having said this, I have been down a physical river with rapids, rocks, and falls, and reaching the end of that is a wonderful feeling.
If you go into a bookstore, one of the biggest non-fiction sections is self-help. There are lots of books dealing with specific diseases, and books talking about children learning to feel. It is assumed that when you become an adult, you have some idea of how to feel emotions. This is inaccurate. Living your life as though it were a gray canvas, it is hard to add color without fearing the color will damage the nice, nondescript canvas you have in front of you. It is easy to say, "Just acknowledge what you are feeling." How do you know what you are feeling if you have never felt before? I can describe anger, sadness, hurt, etc. but I am much better and more accurate at describing numbness.
I have gotten better at trying to let myself "be" wherever I am emotionally, but if something comes up, I still bring out the suit of armor. I can take care of myself, and no one needs to worry about me. In the extreme instances, even God is not allowed in. Sometimes I do this subconsciously and automatically without even realizing it until I think on it later or someone calls my bluff. What I have come to realize, though, is that people do not call your bluffs usually. Who wants to go where they are not wanted? It is up to you to rip off the mask, but jeez, it's hard.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's Easier to Run - Linkin Park
It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone
Something has been taken from deep inside of me
The secret I've kept locked away no one can ever see
Wounds so deep they never show they never go away
Like moving pictures in my head for years and years they've played
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(If I could take all the shame to the grave I would)
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(I would take all my shame to the grave)
[Chorus]
It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone
Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories I wish I didn't have
Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back
And never moving forward so there'd never be a past
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(If I could take all the shame to the grave I would)
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(I would take all my shame to the grave)
Just washing it aside
All of the helplessness inside
Pretending I don't feel misplaced
It's so much simpler than change
[Chorus]
It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone
It's easier to run
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made)
It's easier to go
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(I would take all my shame to the grave)
Sometimes denial is a good thing when you are trying not to get sick in the middle of winter! Most of the time, however, it is just a delay feature in your brain so that you do not have to deal with life as it is. Some things I do deal with head on, but I was taught from an early age that things that make you uncomfortable should be swept under the rug and not dealt with. You just shut down emotionally and move on. I still avoid confrontation as much as I can. I choose the path of least resistance. I select the easy option and then run down that path as fast and as far as I can.
When you live your life in a state of emotional numbness(denial), learning to feel can be a very alien and frightening thing. It's easy to float down the river in a calm stream, but if you look over to the side and see a river with rapids, rocks, and falls, why would you choose that option? Having said this, I have been down a physical river with rapids, rocks, and falls, and reaching the end of that is a wonderful feeling.
If you go into a bookstore, one of the biggest non-fiction sections is self-help. There are lots of books dealing with specific diseases, and books talking about children learning to feel. It is assumed that when you become an adult, you have some idea of how to feel emotions. This is inaccurate. Living your life as though it were a gray canvas, it is hard to add color without fearing the color will damage the nice, nondescript canvas you have in front of you. It is easy to say, "Just acknowledge what you are feeling." How do you know what you are feeling if you have never felt before? I can describe anger, sadness, hurt, etc. but I am much better and more accurate at describing numbness.
I have gotten better at trying to let myself "be" wherever I am emotionally, but if something comes up, I still bring out the suit of armor. I can take care of myself, and no one needs to worry about me. In the extreme instances, even God is not allowed in. Sometimes I do this subconsciously and automatically without even realizing it until I think on it later or someone calls my bluff. What I have come to realize, though, is that people do not call your bluffs usually. Who wants to go where they are not wanted? It is up to you to rip off the mask, but jeez, it's hard.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's Easier to Run - Linkin Park
It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone
Something has been taken from deep inside of me
The secret I've kept locked away no one can ever see
Wounds so deep they never show they never go away
Like moving pictures in my head for years and years they've played
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(If I could take all the shame to the grave I would)
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(I would take all my shame to the grave)
[Chorus]
It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone
Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories I wish I didn't have
Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back
And never moving forward so there'd never be a past
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(If I could take all the shame to the grave I would)
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(I would take all my shame to the grave)
Just washing it aside
All of the helplessness inside
Pretending I don't feel misplaced
It's so much simpler than change
[Chorus]
It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone
It's easier to run
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made)
It's easier to go
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(I would take all my shame to the grave)
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Risks and Safety
So much processing has been going on in my head for the past week. I haven't been entirely sure how to put it in writing without saying too much. This is a semi-public arena after all. :)
Every so often, I get restless. Road trips are my best friend because usually they are spontaneous and far away. Occasionally I will get an urge to just jump in the car and drive and see where the wheels take me. Having responsibilities to the house, job, and fur-kids, I can't often go too far, but retreating into nature always recharges me, even if I can only be there for a brief moment.
I took a huge risk this weekend. I don't regret what I did completely, especially depending on how it turns out. I think no matter the outcome, though, I feel happy that I took the risk. As I have stated in earlier posts, I have been trying to escape my comfort zone and my "normals," and this will take me to where my end result is. The ends justify the means is an apt statement here, although no one was hurt in this case.
I was looking at an icon of St. John Climacus's Ladder of Divine Ascent during vespers on Saturday(while absolutely paying attention to the service!). For those unfamiliar with him, he wrote a book, The Ladder of Divine Ascent, that talks about steps to ascend to heaven. It is geared more toward monastics, but obviously, it can be applied to the lay people as well. I think about this ladder and that sometimes, I am on the bottom rung, and sometimes I am in the middle steps of the ladder, and in some occasional instances, I have yet to ascend the ladder. Oftentimes, we never realize the progression we make until we take inventory of ourselves. Yes, we can look ahead and see how far we have yet to go, but for me, personally, I rarely look back and think, "Last year at this time..." Spiritually, it is dangerous for my pride to do that; emotionally and mentally, I think it's necessary. I am not saying they are mutually exclusive because, of course, spirituality is wrapped up in everything.
So, at the risk of sounding arrogant and self-loving, I think I have made alot of personal progress over the past year(although we have 2 months to go). Thinking about the times I have been afraid and have still done the very thing that frightens me makes me proud of where I am. In no way do I think that I am done. I still struggle with commitment issues and intimacy fears, but overall, it's a slow but steady journey.
As for the risk, we shall just have to see how that plays out...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Every so often, I get restless. Road trips are my best friend because usually they are spontaneous and far away. Occasionally I will get an urge to just jump in the car and drive and see where the wheels take me. Having responsibilities to the house, job, and fur-kids, I can't often go too far, but retreating into nature always recharges me, even if I can only be there for a brief moment.
I took a huge risk this weekend. I don't regret what I did completely, especially depending on how it turns out. I think no matter the outcome, though, I feel happy that I took the risk. As I have stated in earlier posts, I have been trying to escape my comfort zone and my "normals," and this will take me to where my end result is. The ends justify the means is an apt statement here, although no one was hurt in this case.
I was looking at an icon of St. John Climacus's Ladder of Divine Ascent during vespers on Saturday(while absolutely paying attention to the service!). For those unfamiliar with him, he wrote a book, The Ladder of Divine Ascent, that talks about steps to ascend to heaven. It is geared more toward monastics, but obviously, it can be applied to the lay people as well. I think about this ladder and that sometimes, I am on the bottom rung, and sometimes I am in the middle steps of the ladder, and in some occasional instances, I have yet to ascend the ladder. Oftentimes, we never realize the progression we make until we take inventory of ourselves. Yes, we can look ahead and see how far we have yet to go, but for me, personally, I rarely look back and think, "Last year at this time..." Spiritually, it is dangerous for my pride to do that; emotionally and mentally, I think it's necessary. I am not saying they are mutually exclusive because, of course, spirituality is wrapped up in everything.
So, at the risk of sounding arrogant and self-loving, I think I have made alot of personal progress over the past year(although we have 2 months to go). Thinking about the times I have been afraid and have still done the very thing that frightens me makes me proud of where I am. In no way do I think that I am done. I still struggle with commitment issues and intimacy fears, but overall, it's a slow but steady journey.
As for the risk, we shall just have to see how that plays out...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Prayer for Love:
Christ my God, set my heart on fire with love in You, that in its flame I may love You with all my heart, with all my mind, and with all my soul and with all my strength, and my neighbor as myself, so that by keeping Your commandments I may glorify You the Giver of every good and perfect gift. Amen.
Christ my God, set my heart on fire with love in You, that in its flame I may love You with all my heart, with all my mind, and with all my soul and with all my strength, and my neighbor as myself, so that by keeping Your commandments I may glorify You the Giver of every good and perfect gift. Amen.
Monday, October 29, 2012
The waters run deep
Addictions come in many forms, some obvious--drugs, alcohol, sex. Others are more obscure. I am addicted to safe choices. Whenever I think I progress, I realize that I have again made the path of least resistance. I like to think I do not do this consciously, but when the veil is lifted, I realize my subconscious has again "chosen" for me. Somehow, in spite of my desire to move on, I make the same choices, and then I wonder why the result is the same. Insanity, right??
People write songs and poetry about many emotions, situations, and people. As many songs as there are, none of them seem to state exactly what I feel. So, in an effort to explain my thought tonight, here is my first attempt in several years at some poetry.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Constant storms and crashing waves,
Empty hearts become living graves.
The boat is damaged and the lighthouse destroyed.
The cyclone within creates a void.
She desires to leave this island;
To go into the bright blue sky-
But when she jumps into the current,
The tide pushes her back like her master's spy.
The sirens beckon and call
Enticing her with please.
But the weights on her legs
Will keep her safe again for years in a deep freeze.
She tried to escape again yesterday.
And got rejected for her efforts.
For she had seen a mirage in the air.
And assumed they were comforts.
She overextended-much to her dismay,
And returned to her master's domain
When she realized her mistake.
She didn't see the rocks
She was warned were there.
Her only cries now plead that it's not fair.
She wants so badly to leave this island-
To be free to roam at will.
Yet, if every attempt raises an alarm.
What is the point of ever risking any harm?
She'll die on this island, they say.
Living on her shore next to the beautiful bay.
The beautiful bay where animals dwell.
Yet, all she is, is an empty shell.
October 2012
People write songs and poetry about many emotions, situations, and people. As many songs as there are, none of them seem to state exactly what I feel. So, in an effort to explain my thought tonight, here is my first attempt in several years at some poetry.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Constant storms and crashing waves,
Empty hearts become living graves.
The boat is damaged and the lighthouse destroyed.
The cyclone within creates a void.
She desires to leave this island;
To go into the bright blue sky-
But when she jumps into the current,
The tide pushes her back like her master's spy.
The sirens beckon and call
Enticing her with please.
But the weights on her legs
Will keep her safe again for years in a deep freeze.
She tried to escape again yesterday.
And got rejected for her efforts.
For she had seen a mirage in the air.
And assumed they were comforts.
She overextended-much to her dismay,
And returned to her master's domain
When she realized her mistake.
She didn't see the rocks
She was warned were there.
Her only cries now plead that it's not fair.
She wants so badly to leave this island-
To be free to roam at will.
Yet, if every attempt raises an alarm.
What is the point of ever risking any harm?
She'll die on this island, they say.
Living on her shore next to the beautiful bay.
The beautiful bay where animals dwell.
Yet, all she is, is an empty shell.
October 2012
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Masquerades
I love wearing masks and facades. It's very difficult to decide to make yourself vulnerable. It's one thing to decide to do it in theory; it's a completely different experience in practice. Every time I feel like I make progress beyond my past hangups, I get what I perceive to be a negative response or feedback and hide back behind my armor. When people know you to be one way that isn't the real person, even when they reject you, it doesn't really hurt all that much since it wasn't really you that they rejected. If you show someone your real personality, interests, opinions, etc., then when they decide there is something wrong with you, it is really you and not some character in a play or tv show that is lacking.
I've always been wary of trusting most people because in the past when I leaned on the people that were closest to me, the support tumbled out from under me--on more than one occasion and, in some cases, quite severe. There is also the impression in today's society that you should be able to handle all job titles and responsibilities thrown in your direction--yet another mask to add to the equation.
I'll be honest--I'm really freaked out at the moment. I am still on the diving board above the shark tank, but now I feel like I am just at the edge, and that as soon as I jump, it's either going to be a giant belly flop or a graceful 2 1/2 forward somersault pike. The problem is, my mind tells me it's going to be a belly flop to end all belly flops.
In the few minuscule moments where I actually relax, it's usually because I've been able to distract myself from my thoughts. When things get stressful, I can easily disassociate. The level of disassociation depends upon the intensity of the situation. For those of you not familiar, basically it means that I can separate mind from being in the moment. I'm not quite at the level of astral projection or borderline personality disorder, but in layman's terms, I "zone out" from the current situation and close myself off emotionally and become somewhat catatonic. Sometimes, I'm aware when it's happening and I can shake myself out of it, but other times, I'm not even aware until after it has passed. Trauma literally rewires the neurological connections in your brain, in much the same way alcohol and drugs does, due to the continued stress and production of cortisol, and affects development in psychological processing.
I had a slight anxiety attack earlier yesterday evening when mulling over a current situation. The problem with masks is that it is very exhausting keeping track of which ones are for which people. And, when I do let someone in more, I have to admit either that I lied to them or make them think they were incorrect on their side. Also, of course, I still run the risk of them rejecting the real me when I do remove the mask, so I haven't really addressed the original problem. When it's a bad day and someone asks me how I am doing, my answer is always F.I.N.E--freaked out, insecure, neurotic, and emotional. Truer words were never spoken.
______________________________________________________________________
"I'll Wear This Mask" - Carla Jae
I'll wear this mask for all of them,
I'll wear this mask until I find my skin,
And, I'll wear this mask until I come to you.
I'll stand before you exposed for who I am,
Who I am.
Every morning, I choose one of my many faces.
I go to work and do my job.
But ask why should I do this.
I'm not happy living this dream.
It wasn't mine to start with.
But I can't remember ever knowing myself to feel this.
So, I'll wear this mask for all of them.
I'll wear this mask until I find my skin,
And, I'll wear this mask until I come to you.
I'll stand before you exposed for who I am,
Who I am.
Every evening, all I ask from them is leave me be.
They don't realize I just want to get this face from me.
But, you have something I know can change me
You've made me smile again and given me time to just be.
I'll wear this mask for all of them.
I'll wear this mask until I find my skin.
I'll wear this mask until I come to you.
I'll stand before you exposed for who I am,
Who I am.
Just for you, I'll take away this mask.
Cause I just know you won't judge and you won't laugh.
Can you see all that you are to me?
You've set me free.
I'll wear this mask for all of them.
I'll wear this mask until I find my skin.
And, I'll wear this mask until I come to you.
I'll stand before you exposed for who I am,
Who I am.
I've always been wary of trusting most people because in the past when I leaned on the people that were closest to me, the support tumbled out from under me--on more than one occasion and, in some cases, quite severe. There is also the impression in today's society that you should be able to handle all job titles and responsibilities thrown in your direction--yet another mask to add to the equation.
I'll be honest--I'm really freaked out at the moment. I am still on the diving board above the shark tank, but now I feel like I am just at the edge, and that as soon as I jump, it's either going to be a giant belly flop or a graceful 2 1/2 forward somersault pike. The problem is, my mind tells me it's going to be a belly flop to end all belly flops.
In the few minuscule moments where I actually relax, it's usually because I've been able to distract myself from my thoughts. When things get stressful, I can easily disassociate. The level of disassociation depends upon the intensity of the situation. For those of you not familiar, basically it means that I can separate mind from being in the moment. I'm not quite at the level of astral projection or borderline personality disorder, but in layman's terms, I "zone out" from the current situation and close myself off emotionally and become somewhat catatonic. Sometimes, I'm aware when it's happening and I can shake myself out of it, but other times, I'm not even aware until after it has passed. Trauma literally rewires the neurological connections in your brain, in much the same way alcohol and drugs does, due to the continued stress and production of cortisol, and affects development in psychological processing.
I had a slight anxiety attack earlier yesterday evening when mulling over a current situation. The problem with masks is that it is very exhausting keeping track of which ones are for which people. And, when I do let someone in more, I have to admit either that I lied to them or make them think they were incorrect on their side. Also, of course, I still run the risk of them rejecting the real me when I do remove the mask, so I haven't really addressed the original problem. When it's a bad day and someone asks me how I am doing, my answer is always F.I.N.E--freaked out, insecure, neurotic, and emotional. Truer words were never spoken.
______________________________________________________________________
"I'll Wear This Mask" - Carla Jae
I'll wear this mask for all of them,
I'll wear this mask until I find my skin,
And, I'll wear this mask until I come to you.
I'll stand before you exposed for who I am,
Who I am.
Every morning, I choose one of my many faces.
I go to work and do my job.
But ask why should I do this.
I'm not happy living this dream.
It wasn't mine to start with.
But I can't remember ever knowing myself to feel this.
So, I'll wear this mask for all of them.
I'll wear this mask until I find my skin,
And, I'll wear this mask until I come to you.
I'll stand before you exposed for who I am,
Who I am.
Every evening, all I ask from them is leave me be.
They don't realize I just want to get this face from me.
But, you have something I know can change me
You've made me smile again and given me time to just be.
I'll wear this mask for all of them.
I'll wear this mask until I find my skin.
I'll wear this mask until I come to you.
I'll stand before you exposed for who I am,
Who I am.
Just for you, I'll take away this mask.
Cause I just know you won't judge and you won't laugh.
Can you see all that you are to me?
You've set me free.
I'll wear this mask for all of them.
I'll wear this mask until I find my skin.
And, I'll wear this mask until I come to you.
I'll stand before you exposed for who I am,
Who I am.
Monday, October 22, 2012
Cliff Notes
My church had a retreat this past weekend titled "Beyond the Basics of Spiritual Maturity." There was a large amount of information passed around. I jotted down a few thoughts that stood out to me more than others. Some of them are things that others said, and some were thoughts that I took away from the weekend. They are not in any logical order. I just wrote them down as they came to me.
--It's not the external quiet we need to find-it's the internal.
--Everything we see in others, negative and positive, is what we see in ourselves.
--If you feel agitated, it is yourself that upsets you.
--We need to have quiet within in order to find God.
--God gave each of us a different way to Him.
--You have to have something to bounce off of; we need each other.
--We have to have someone further along than we are in our spiritual journey to lead us.
--Your spiritual father represents God.
--Do not make an important decision for 3 days. Pray about it and let your heart be calm.
--Converts just look like adult Orthodox. We are actually just babies, learning every day.
--Everything is individual; we are not cookie cutter copies of each other.
--We have to be open in order to receive any messages from God.
--Are we so busy with the rules we do not learn love?
--We all have one passion that we will struggle with to the end of our life. The reward is in getting back into the fight.
--We should give up everything to God--the good to become stronger, the bad to remove from our lives.
--When you think you are the furthest from God, that is when he is standing right beside you waiting on YOU to wake up and see the truth.
--Take care of your neighbor nearby before you attempt to save the world.
--Find peace inside yourself and others will be saved because of it, not because of anything you actually do.
--If you stay in the light of God for too long, you will be burned up.
--There is NOTHING you cannot lay down before God.
--What is important in your life??
--I verbally vomit everything in the hopes that someone will help me when God is the one that I should be turning to for help.
_______________________________________________________________________
I welcome the sun,
the clouds and rain,
the wind that sweeps the sky clean
and lets the sun shine again.
this is the most magnificent life has ever been.
here is heaven and earth
and the brilliant sky in between.
blessed is this life
and I'm gonna celebrate being alive.
blessed is this life
and I'm gonna celebrate being alive
I dwell in the darkness
I live in the light
I sleep in the afternoon
and become the noise in the night.
the clouds and rain,
the wind that sweeps the sky clean
and lets the sun shine again.
this is the most magnificent life has ever been.
here is heaven and earth
and the brilliant sky in between.
blessed is this life
and I'm gonna celebrate being alive.
blessed is this life
and I'm gonna celebrate being alive
I dwell in the darkness
I live in the light
I sleep in the afternoon
and become the noise in the night.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Oh, oh. I found a good woman, I found a job that pays.
The tide comes in, I watch it all wash away.
But I'm keeping it steady, that's just how I was raised
Head held up,walking tall into each broken wave
And this heart grows tired
I found a good woman
I found a job that pays
The tide comes in, I watch it all wash away
But I’m keeping it steady, that’s just how I was raised
Head held up walking tall into each breaking wave
’Cause the devil’s in the details and he’s taking his toll
Sending good men down the foot trails of some lostlonely souls
And I say oh, oh
Rain don’t change the sun
Jealous is the night when the morning comes
But it always comes
So I’m working the graveyard, I don’t sleep till it’s light
Ain’t calling in favors, I can’t swallow my pride
And the bank’s on a mission, they want to read memy rights
But they ever show up around here, they’re going to be in for a fight
’Cause the devil’s in my hometown and I ain’t telling him no
’Cause it’s my family, it’s my love now, that I’m scared to let go
And I say oh, oh
Rain don’t change the sun
Jealous is the night when the morning comes
But it always comes
Followed the track of my needle
Tried to be good to my people
So why’s there no peace?
No break no relief
Can I be blamed if I’m angry?
Can I be saved if I’m barely clinging to hope?
I’m clinging to hope
When I say oh, oh
Rain don’t change the sun
Jealous is the night when the morning comes
But it always comes
It always rains down on us
And like an old dog lying by a new gravestone
It’s still our home
It’s still our home
So if you ever feel like you are alone
After the night
The morning comes
The tide comes in, I watch it all wash away.
But I'm keeping it steady, that's just how I was raised
Head held up,
And this heart grows tired
I found a good woman
I found a job that pays
The tide comes in, I watch it all wash away
But I’m keeping it steady, that’s just how I was raised
Head held up walking tall into each breaking wave
’Cause the devil’s in the details and he’s taking his toll
Sending good men down the foot trails of some lost
And I say oh, oh
Rain don’t change the sun
Jealous is the night when the morning comes
But it always comes
So I’m working the graveyard, I don’t sleep till it’s light
Ain’t calling in favors, I can’t swallow my pride
And the bank’s on a mission, they want to read me
But they ever show up around here, they’re going to be in for a fight
’Cause the devil’s in my hometown and I ain’t telling him no
’Cause it’s my family, it’s my love now, that I’m scared to let go
And I say oh, oh
Rain don’t change the sun
Jealous is the night when the morning comes
But it always comes
Followed the track of my needle
Tried to be good to my people
So why’s there no peace?
No break no relief
Can I be blamed if I’m angry?
Can I be saved if I’m barely clinging to hope?
I’m clinging to hope
When I say oh, oh
Rain don’t change the sun
Jealous is the night when the morning comes
But it always comes
It always rains down on us
And like an old dog lying by a new gravestone
It’s still our home
It’s still our home
So if you ever feel like you are alone
After the night
The morning comes
Friday, October 19, 2012
Blessed
3Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
4Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
5Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.
6Blessed are those who hunger and thirst after righteousness,
for they will be filled.
7Blessed are the merciful, for they shall be shown mercy.
8Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.
9Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called the sons of God.
10Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
11Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. 12Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you. (Matthew 5:3-12)
I've thought about the Beatitudes alot recently. The meek shall inherit the earth? The pure in heart will see God? Yeah, there's no way I'm getting in then! I love to brag my opinion and what I think to everyone. Some people think I am modest and sweet, but, really I'm just distrusting and quiet. When you really get to know me, I become more myself--blunt, abrasive, opinionated, stubborn, and condescending(But on the positive side--loyal, principled, persevering, and authentic.).
I always thought the Beatitudes were pretty self-explanatory, but I took them at face value. Poor in spirit meant the people that considered the earthly things to be nothing, the meek to be they that turned their cheek, and so on. This is, of course, all correct; but, it really only scratches the surface.
The overall theme in all of them is humility and the command to emulate children. Each quality is a stepping stone, not only in ways to endure the strife and hardships of this world, but even to enter into the Kingdom and receive your divine reward for this meager amount of suffering. Every verse is designed to instruct you that there is no hope of salvation without Christ, the Pantocrator, that He is "everywhere present and fillest all things," and only those who mourn their transgressions and stand fast in the face of evil will be rewarded with Heaven.
Sometimes it is easy to say, "I am not perfect," and be done with it. This is true, but I believe this is a cop-out. Just because you are not perfect does not mean you should settle with where you are and throw your hands in the air. If you are not an expert in your field, do you not do the necessary training and education to get there? People spend hours of their free time watching TV shows and celebrity chatter, and they can tell you all sorts of information about who did what with whom and where, yet because religion isn't exciting or easy, they give up at the first roadblock. I live in awe of the countless, and oftentimes un-credited, martyrs who had the strength and fortitude to give up themselves and live only for God. Knowing myself like I do, I highly doubt I will reach that level, but it does help to know that there are people, like us, throughout centuries who have been able to fight and ascend to greater heights of spirituality than most can fathom.
In no way do the Beatitudes suggest that any of this will be easy or that you will be happy. Blessed does not mean that you will be at peace in this life or have abundant wealth or have lots of power and fame. In Luke 6:26, Jesus said, "Woe to you when all men speak well of you, for that is how their fathers treated the false prophets." In fact, the 7th verse encourages you to stand strong in the face of unrighteous persecution. If you have no persecution in your life, most likely that is a way of telling you that you have been absorbed into the world.
What do I take away from all this? I have had it too easy. I have had a few minor setbacks lately, but all in all, I have stayed hidden from evil attacks-not that I desire troubles, of course.
________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
I wrote this tonight at the request of a friend...
"Cocinero"
You create at the demand of some
You kill ending in the demise of others
Consistent but not predictable
You demand trust and respect
You give but do not take
You insist on seeing it through to the end
And allow for no mistakes
Hot tempers and cold nights
Your art is devoured and oft critiqued
No two pieces exactly the same
Many one night stands and a few long-term relationships
But nothing permanent with so many secrets
A blend of cultures and flavors
It is a tale for the ages.
Don't judge me and ignore the lack of punctuation, please. I am just too lazy to figure out the flow. :)
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Progress Report
I know I said I would report on Tuesday, but I had internet issues. Technology...
The weekend went rather well. There was not much of an opportunity for what I perceived to be personal, in-depth conversations, so I was "safe" for the most part. I did try to speak up if I had an opinion on something, instead of hiding it like I do, so I guess that's something.
The weekend went rather well. There was not much of an opportunity for what I perceived to be personal, in-depth conversations, so I was "safe" for the most part. I did try to speak up if I had an opinion on something, instead of hiding it like I do, so I guess that's something.
So, in some ways I passed and in some ways I cheated the whole purpose of the experiment. I would love to say I will do this on a daily basis, but I know that at the first sign of sharing, I will flee back into old patterns.
I enjoy making beeswax candles at a monastery I regularly travel to in Florida. The smell of the candleshop is so peaceful and relaxing, but also just the steadiness and repetition of winding the wick around the frame, dipping at just the right speed so there are no drips, bubbles, or warps, letting it dry, and then doing it all over again. In the beginning stages while the wax is still soft, it is fairly easy to correct the mistakes and start over if needed. After the candles have hardened and been cutoff the wire frames, it is still possible to get the wax off the wick, but it is much more difficult, and in extreme circumstances, you have to remelt the wax, filter out the contaminants, and add the melted wax back to the dipping tank.
"The comfort zone is a behavioural state within which a person operates in an anxiety-neutral condition, using a limited set of behaviours to deliver a steady level of performance, usually wihout a sense of risk."--Alisdair White
Comfort zones are a funny thing. They are strongly set in the growing years and after any type of perceived calamity, and, like the wax, it is possible to readjust the boundary lines, but it takes a stronger and more determined character the more entrenched one gets. They are called comfort zones for a reason. They make us feel safe and remove as much anxiety as we can avoid. They are in a variety of our areas, professional, lifestyle, relationships, etc. For many people, they help function through the daily rigmarole of life.
The problem with comfort zones is that many people will not push themselves outside of the comfort zone they have set up. The zone does avoid placing a large amount of stress on yourself, but it also eliminates opportunities for personal growth and rewards from taking risks. I say this to myself as well, since I am good at some areas of risk but not so great at others. My greatest weakness, or "area of opportunity" as you know, is in the area of personal relationships.
Many songwriters address the issue of attempting to love after having been burned or feeling scarred, so it's nice to know I'm not alone. There are lots of songs of getting back up and diving back into the "shark tank" or at least not leaving the diving board. Right now, it feels like I am on the diving board looking at everyone swimming and wishing I could be there but not willing to take the step off the end of the plank. This is coming from someone who loves to swim! :)
Ever wonder about what he's doingHow it all turned to liesSometimes I think that it's better to never ask why
Where there is desireThere is gonna be a flameWhere there is a flameSomeone's bound to get burnedBut just because it burnsDoesn't mean you're gonna dieYou've gotta get up and try try tryGotta get up and try try tryYou gotta get up and try try try
Eh, eh, eh
Funny how the heart can be deceivingMore than just a couple timesWhy do we fall in love so easyEven when it's not right
Where there is desireThere is gonna be a flameWhere there is a flameSomeone's bound to get burnedBut just because it burnsDoesn't mean you're gonna dieYou've gotta get up and try try tryGotta get up and try try tryYou gotta get up and try try try
Ever worried that it might be ruinedAnd does it make you wanna cry?When you're out there doing what you're doingAre you just getting by?Tell me are you just getting by by by
Where there is desireThere is gonna be a flameWhere there is a flameSomeone's bound to get burnedBut just because it burnsDoesn't mean you're gonna dieYou've gotta get up and try try tryGotta get up and try try try Pink - "Try"
Ever wonder about what he's doingHow it all turned to liesSometimes I think that it's better to never ask why
Where there is desireThere is gonna be a flameWhere there is a flameSomeone's bound to get burnedBut just because it burnsDoesn't mean you're gonna dieYou've gotta get up and try try tryGotta get up and try try tryYou gotta get up and try try try
Eh, eh, eh
Funny how the heart can be deceivingMore than just a couple timesWhy do we fall in love so easyEven when it's not right
Where there is desireThere is gonna be a flameWhere there is a flameSomeone's bound to get burnedBut just because it burnsDoesn't mean you're gonna dieYou've gotta get up and try try tryGotta get up and try try tryYou gotta get up and try try try
Ever worried that it might be ruinedAnd does it make you wanna cry?When you're out there doing what you're doingAre you just getting by?Tell me are you just getting by by by
Where there is desireThere is gonna be a flameWhere there is a flameSomeone's bound to get burnedBut just because it burnsDoesn't mean you're gonna dieYou've gotta get up and try try tryGotta get up and try try try Pink - "Try"
I do appreciate comfort zones in that your soul cannot just constantly be in a state of stress going about your daily activities. Research shows that pushing yourself outside of comfort zones is beneficial, but if you go too far and overwhelm yourself before you are ready, it can actually be more harmful. I am not arguing that people should stay inside their bubbles, but how can you really tell if you're ready without just doing it? I think I have taken baby steps, but in this world of microwave-this and instant-that, it's hard to be patient and wait to see results. I don't mind negative information; I just don't like the not knowing. I know different people are placed in your life to push you and mold you and shape you in different areas. Sometimes, it's hard to determine the teachers from the keepers.
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HeyHeyDo you hear, do you hearThat soundIt's the sound of the lost gone foundIt's the sound of a mute gone loudIt's the sound of a new startKissWith a mouth of shooting starsOf lost and broken heartsUnafraid you can name your scarsWith a touch of a new heartIt sounds likeIt sounds likeIt sounds likeLadeedadadadada, dadadadadaNow, oh, now is the startOhAnd it goes with where you goDon't lose faith for the friendsYou don'tNeed a thing, you already knowYou are right as you areAnd it sounds likeIt sounds likeOh, it sounds likeLadeedadadadada, dadadadadaNow, nowLadeedadadadada, dadadadadaNow, ohNow is the start, ohNow is the startHey, hey, hey, heyNew start in the endThere is aNew heart under thereBeneath theseNew parts everywhereIt is a new, new, new, new startNow is the startIt sounds likeOh, it sounds likeOh, it sounds likeLadeedadadadada, dadadadadaNow, nowLadeedadadadada, dadadadadaNow, oh, now is the startOh, now is the startNow is the startNow is the startNow is the startNow is the startIt sounds likeIt sounds likeIt sounds like
A Fine Frenzy - "Now is the Start"
A Fine Frenzy - "Now is the Start"
Friday, October 12, 2012
Jumping into the Shark Tank
"The best way to gain self-confidence is to do what you are afraid to do." - Unknown
Despite my fear of heights, I have been doing quite a bit of indoor rock climbing lately. Even though I am not yet able to climb extremely difficult routes or overhangs, I can tell some improvement, both in the level of routes I can climb and my technique, but also in powering through the mental roadblocks. I keep attacking and attempting the route until I have no strength left in my arms. Part of this is stubbornness, but the majority is just pushing past the desire to give up and quit. The yoga and abs classes don't hurt, either...
I've always been leery of intimate relationships, even though I do desire them. As you know, I am a believer in mantras. My recent self-improvement DIY project, slightly tied with forgiveness, is removing the belief that I am to blame for the abuse. I have talked about this previously, and I believe that it is my biggest roadblock to let myself fall into relationships completely. Somehow, when I remove the "mud" from my eyes, things will get better. I feel like I am starting to believe; although, right now, they are just baby steps, even so, it will be interesting to see how it changes me.
I like to think that I have improved in intimate relationships a little bit at least, even over the past few months. I'm trying to share more of my honest feelings, and I'm really, really trying not to run when it gets scary. I must have some kind of masochistic tendencies since I push myself outside of my comfort zone more often than not. It's a bit like holding your hand in the fire in the hopes of realizing it's a cooling sensation. I'm not sure if that's the best idea of attacking my anxieties, but there's no way to do it but to do it. :)
I'm not usually one to brag about myself, but I would like to say "Kudos" to me for the progress thus far. I'm not where I want to be, obviously; but, all I have is the hope that if I keep working towards bettering my situation, it will all be worth it in the end.
I like to pretend that I am honest with people as it regards direct questioning, and I am ashamed to admit that I was evasive this week with a friend. I did admit that I did not want to answer the question, but I still avoided actually answering anything. So, I am going to try to make a pledge to myself for this weekend. It is now just past midnight on Friday, so until Sunday 11:59 PM, I will try to be honest and blunt(nicely) with any questions anyone asks me, especially about feelings. I did say I like to play with fire, right?? Full (and honest) report to come on Monday.
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Bags are by the door, hearts are on the floor
Despite my fear of heights, I have been doing quite a bit of indoor rock climbing lately. Even though I am not yet able to climb extremely difficult routes or overhangs, I can tell some improvement, both in the level of routes I can climb and my technique, but also in powering through the mental roadblocks. I keep attacking and attempting the route until I have no strength left in my arms. Part of this is stubbornness, but the majority is just pushing past the desire to give up and quit. The yoga and abs classes don't hurt, either...
I've always been leery of intimate relationships, even though I do desire them. As you know, I am a believer in mantras. My recent self-improvement DIY project, slightly tied with forgiveness, is removing the belief that I am to blame for the abuse. I have talked about this previously, and I believe that it is my biggest roadblock to let myself fall into relationships completely. Somehow, when I remove the "mud" from my eyes, things will get better. I feel like I am starting to believe; although, right now, they are just baby steps, even so, it will be interesting to see how it changes me.
I like to think that I have improved in intimate relationships a little bit at least, even over the past few months. I'm trying to share more of my honest feelings, and I'm really, really trying not to run when it gets scary. I must have some kind of masochistic tendencies since I push myself outside of my comfort zone more often than not. It's a bit like holding your hand in the fire in the hopes of realizing it's a cooling sensation. I'm not sure if that's the best idea of attacking my anxieties, but there's no way to do it but to do it. :)
I'm not usually one to brag about myself, but I would like to say "Kudos" to me for the progress thus far. I'm not where I want to be, obviously; but, all I have is the hope that if I keep working towards bettering my situation, it will all be worth it in the end.
I like to pretend that I am honest with people as it regards direct questioning, and I am ashamed to admit that I was evasive this week with a friend. I did admit that I did not want to answer the question, but I still avoided actually answering anything. So, I am going to try to make a pledge to myself for this weekend. It is now just past midnight on Friday, so until Sunday 11:59 PM, I will try to be honest and blunt(nicely) with any questions anyone asks me, especially about feelings. I did say I like to play with fire, right?? Full (and honest) report to come on Monday.
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"Runaway" by Mat Kearney
Tonight you're letting go, under the burning glow
We're too young to hold this all on our own
All that came and went riding them by the winds
Blowing through the trees, she could feel it on her skin
Walking the lost streets, no one ever shares
Cry yourself to sleep, waiting on a little prayer
There's a bottle of tears on the dresser drawer
Nobody knows the trouble we've seen
Nobody knows the price of this dream
And nobody knows what it took to believe
Nobody
She wants to be free, like a runaway, ay ay ay
Trying to believe, gonna find a way, ay ay ay ay
We got just one life, tonight we're running all the lights
Trying to break free, like a runaway ay ay ay ay ay
The road below our wheels, all that we fought to heal
You close your eyes and cry, dying for the right to feel
I hear it coming down, oh the sweetest sound
Of forgotten tears falling on the solid ground
Nobody knows the trouble we've seen
Nobody knows the price of this dream
And nobody knows what it took to believe
Nobody
She wants to be free, like a runaway ay ay ay
Trying to believe, gonna find a way ay ay ay ay
We got just one life, tonight we're running all the lights
Trying to break free, like a runaway ay ay ay ay ay
Oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh
We're singing "How did we get this far riding on a shooting star? "
It's like flying on the wings of God
She wants to be free
Like a runaway ay ay ay
Trying to believe, gonna find a way ay ay ay ay
We got just on life, tonight we're running all the lights
Trying to break free, like a runaway ay ay ay ay ay
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