Tortoise vs. the Hare - Part 1

I do not like New Year's resolutions. I think people intend good things with them, but usually, someone makes a dramatic statement about how this is going to be the year they run a marathon, lose 50 pounds, travel the world, complete their bucket list, etc. and then by the end of January, real life and their familiar comfort zones beckon, and the intended dreams fall by the wayside. I think the reason it bothers me is that it does not cultivate a "Change now!" mentality. Anyone that talks about goal setting and life coaching will tell you that if you want to make a change, you just do it. Nothing grand about it, just make one change that day. The next day, either decide again to make that change or build upon it until it becomes a habit. Habits and practice are the only way to make an everlasting change.

Hello. I am the pot calling the kettle black.

I do not like New Year's resolutions, but I do like the end of the year and reflecting on where I've been the past 12 months and whether I've grown or stagnated. When I think about December 2012 and read some things I wrote during that time, I have a mixture of satisfaction and frustration. Satisfaction, obviously, is for the positive changes in my life. This is easy to mull over, mentally mark as complete, and file away. The frustrations are more interesting, usually. Despite the growth I know I have made year over year, I tend to still view life as an awkward 16-year old trying to determine what things mean. I do not know if this ever goes away.

For this particular year, I know for certain I have made spiritual progress. I do not say that in an arrogant "I am closer to God" way, but just a realistic self-evaluation. It often feels as though I am just beginning my spiritual journey with God. I think I have progressed so far ahead and then the curtain falls back and I realize just how far I have to go. I think this year's big focus for me has been realizing and accepting Divine Grace. Growing up in an environment where affection and value had to be earned, it has been a long mental struggle allowing myself to believe that just being God's adopted child is enough.

I would get jealous when I heard of people that had some sort of epiphany one day about their religious life. I never had an "Aha!" moment where I instantly realized that I was a "Christian" in every sense of the word. When I consider that now, however, I don't know that an instant moment is what I would need to make an everlasting change. God clearly already knows that about me.

I am better off setting a foundation, building upon it until it's set in stone, and then moving on to the next stage. I have always considered myself to be more of an endurance person than a sprinter, and this filters into all facets of my life: work, relationships, health, hobbies, etc. My intent is not to downplay those who have another view, but I see the quicker things as superficial, rushed, inauthentic, and half-hearted.

Unfortunately, like many others, I learn best in hindsight. Trial and error have been my best teachers. As you already know, I am inarguably stubborn and I have trouble listening to the advice of others. I have to fall on my own face before I will listen to someone telling me the way is treacherous and slippery. I rarely realize in the moment that I have changed. It is not until later that I realize the progress over the past month/year/etc., when I take stock in where I am, and realize that something is different. I do like surprises, though...
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MercyMe - Shake

I just can't believe
Where my life was at
All that I know is that my heart was broken
And I don't ever wanna go back

Ain't no explanation
How I saw the light
He found me and set me free
And it brought me back to life

Blame it on the transformation
Changed down to the core
His love is real
And I can't sit still
Cuz my name's not shamed no more

Great God Almighty, gonna change this
Great God Almighty, He gonna change me

You gotta shake, shake, shake
Like you're changed, changed, changed
Brand new looks so good on you
So shake like you've been changed

Come on and shake, shake
Shake like you've been changed
Shake, shake, shake like you changed
Maybe He came to you
When everything seemed fine
Or maybe your world was upside down and hit you right between the eyes
No matter when it happened
At 7 or 95
Move your feet ‘cause you are free
And you've never been more alive

You gotta shake, shake, shake
Like you're changed, changed, changed
Brand new looks so good on you
So shake like you've been changed

Come on and shake, shake, shake
Shake like you changed, changed, changed
Shake, shake, shake like you changed
Brand new looks so good on you
So shake like you've been changed
Come on and shake, shake, shake
Shake like you changed, changed, changed
Shake, shake, shake like you changed
Shake, Shake

Great God Almighty gonna change me
Great God Almighty, He gone and changed me
No matter when it happened
At 7 or 95
Move your feet, ‘cause you are free
And you've never been more alive

Relationships Revisited

Relationships, oh, how you mock me.

I feel at a crossroads right now. I have recently been trying again to focus on my personal relationship with God and making him my source of love, strength, and healing. I haven't been using this as a retreat from the world-more of a regrouping. Each time I attempt to have this happen, somehow a distraction appears. Not always a bad distraction-usually, it is something very good, but a distraction nonetheless.

I  believe I have mentioned before, but I am a very literal person. I understand metaphors, but I always wonder the origins and the reasoning for an individual phrase. On my way to vespers for St. Nicholas tonight, I listened to a song that talked about moving mountains. I considered the referenced bible verse:

"Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” (Matthew 17:20)

When I was little, I thought it literally meant to move physical mountains. I should be able to rearrange the earth, right? I thought I lacked faith because I couldn't even get a grain of sand to move with my prayers. You may laugh now, but this was a serious concern for me, and I inferred that I must not love God enough, and that he wasn't listening to me because I just didn't believe hard enough.

Of course, I came to understand that it meant trials in life and overcoming the temporary frailties of this life. More recently though, I have considered that maybe it does not mean removing the trials, but just removing the consternation and conflicting emotions that the trials bring that cause separation from God. The trials themselves are rarely the issue. It is the surrounding doubts, internal turmoil, and resulting insecurities that cause the biggest damage. 

One thing I've learned in 2013 is that I am an idol worshipper. I don't care about celebrities, gold statues, fast cars, etc., but I put several things ahead of God. It doesn't always grieve me to upset God, but I get emotional about things I have attached to here in this life. I am almost certain God doesn't give me a couple of things I currently ask for because He knows it will just deter me from seeking Him. We'll see who's more stubborn... ;)

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We Won't Be Shaken - Building 429

This world has nothing for me
This life is not my own
I know you go before me
And I am not alone
This mountain rises higher
This way seems so unclear
But I know that you go with me
I will trust in you

Whatever will come my way
Through fire or pouring rain
We won't be shaken
No we won't be shaken
Whatever tomorrow brings
Together we'll rise and sing
That we won't be shaken
Oooh Oh Oh
Oooh Oh Oh
Oooh Oh Oh
No we won't be shaken

You know my every longing
You've heard my every prayer
You've held me in my weakness
Cause you are always there
So I'll stand in full surrender
It's your way and not my own
My mind is set on nothing less
Than you and you alone
I will not be moved oh

Whatever will come my way
Through fire or pouring rain
We won't be shaken
No we won't be shaken
Whatever tomorrow brings
Together we'll rise and sing
That we won't be shaken

Capes and Carpets

Oh. My. I have been gone quite a while. This has been for a couple of reasons: I started a new job, I have been keeping busy with dog rescue work, and honestly, I haven't really felt the need to write.

What has changed, you may ask? I suppose I have begun another cycle of introspection. I tend to flow in and out of seasons of desiring change and of just coasting. It's not a negative thing. If I focus too much, I will beat myself up very badly; if I don't focus enough, I won't change at all.

Several people have commented on the idea that I am "Superwoman." They tell me I should let my guard down and let someone help me. My response is, "Who? Are YOU volunteering to be that someone?" Usually, the response is either an awkward silence or an embarrassed hemming and hawing, finally responding with "No, but someone."

I have taken care of myself for so long, I don't know how to be any other way, but honestly, it's not out of choice. I would LOVE for someone to come along, not necessarily to take care of me, but for me to lean on. Taking care of everything around me is tiring; making it look like I have everything taken care of, or seemingly don't care when it's tearing me up inside, is debilitating.

I'm not going to lie: I will always be a strong woman, and most likely the guy I end up marrying (if it happens) is going to have a feisty, opinionated warrior on his hands; BUT, the only reason I have been "Superwoman"(which is a false label, anyway) is because I have HAD to.

In my past experiences with people close to me, whenever I leaned on them, the carpet got pulled out from under me. I learned early on that people will disappoint you, even the ones purporting to be your caretaker and /or in your inner circle, so I stopped leaning on people. Not a surprising reaction.

I have to consciously fight against my trained tendency to close myself off, and a few times, I have even managed to ask for help! I still don't really believe people when they promise me things they will do for me. I'm more of a "I'll believe it when it happens" kind of person, especially with certain people that have proved that their promises really don't mean much to them. I take promises VERY seriously.

I struggled long and hard with trusting God as well because if people disappoint you, it's one thing; but if God disappoints you, where do you go? My heart would break in exponential measurements, if such a thing could be measured. In the Orthodox church, we have one or more Psalms read in each service. It is comforting to hear David, one of God's chosen and beloved, making statements that strike a chord somewhere within me or that I have uttered in my life at one time or another. The Psalms as far as content are all over the map, i.e. praising, seeking, confessing, etc. They encompass so many emotions all within a span of 150 verses. As Orthodox Christians, we are to read the Psalms in their entirety at least once every week(the early monks did this daily). If you read nothing else in the Bible for the week, at least reading the Psalms puts your mind in a good reflective state. I'm not saying I make this happen every week, but it's a goal. :)

In a world that emphasizes partnering with people, I find it challenging to be just with God and to be okay with that. I have considered though that in the Garden of Eden, Adam had God and all the animals to himself, and he STILL needed someone else––someone to complete him, although she came out of him. When I think about that, I don't feel so guilty having a desire for someone in addition to God.

So, until the day I have a partner in crime, I plan my life for me and only me, I make no expectations of people in my life, and I will continue pretending to be "Superwoman" as long as my cape is needed to protect me.

On THAT note, I will be spending Thanksgiving Day with the pups.

Coffee Shop Art

There are all kinds of "whisperers": horse, nanny, cat, and, of course, my favorite, the Dog Whisperer himself. There is no such thing as a "human whisperer." This is because while animals behave rationally and predictably, humans do not.

Someone asked me how I know that I can trust them. It's nothing I can really put my finger on. Some people think people that have been abused are hyper aware of body language and vocal inflections. I don't exactly know how I know, but I just go with my initial "gut" reaction towards a person. I know when people are safe and when people are only putting a facade. I also tend to feel a connection with people that have been in similar situations, especially abusive ones, even if they are not exactly like mine. This is only outside my family, of course. :)

I am selective with sharing myself, but I promise I am light years away from where I used to be even a few years ago. Some of it was a conscious decision that I made last summer, and some of it has just been life, I think. I am still such a people-pleaser that I cannot get out of my habit of determining what people want and becoming that, even at the risk of causing detriment to my own emotional psyche.

Recently, I have been focusing on really thinking about what I want-not in an unhealthy way, but in an "I need to take care of me" mentality. I must admit it is much more difficult than I had anticipated. You would think being "selfish" would be easy, but with my people-pleasing mind, it takes an actual effort to think about myself first. With the few times I have said "No" not being failures and no catalysmic world-endings to be seen, it does make me a little bit braver and gives me pause instead of being a "yes-man."

I still see this as being a battle, at least in the forseeable future. It is difficult to undo 30 years of training in a few years. As I walk further and further out from my "safe zone" with no negative repercussions, I do become braver, but I think I will always be difficult to be in a close relationship with. I am stubborn, and I scare way too easily. It reminds me over-correcting in a car. When I make the effort towards improving and receive what I perceive to be a rejection, I jerk back and flee the other direction when what I should be doing is taking a deep breath and coming at it with calm, assertive energy. ;)
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"Trust Me" - The Fray

Looking for something I've never seen.
Alone and I'm in between
The place that I'm from and
The place that I'm in:
A city I've never been.

I found a friend. or should I say foe.
Said there's a few things you should know.
We don't want you to see
We come and we go;
Here today, gone tomorrow.

We're only taking turns
Holding this world.
It's how it's always been.
When you're older, you will understand.

If I say who I know, it just goes to show
You need me less than I need you.
Take it from me
We don't give sympathy
You can trust me trust nobody

But I said you and me
We don't have honesty
The things we don't want to speak
I'll try to get out but I never will
Traffic is perfectly still

Were only taking turns
Holding this world
It's how it's always been
When you're older you will understand

And again maybe you don't
And again maybe you won't

When you're older
You might understand
When you're older
You might understand

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/fray/trustme.html

3 Seconds

A hug is like a bandage to a hurting wound. ~Author Unknown

Embrace. Clasp. Envelope. Squeeze. Cuddle. Enfold. Sarılmak. αγκαλιάζω. обнимать. Umarmen. Kumkumbatia. 

Hugs are amazing and very under-rated. I actually enjoy them. This may surprise some people. Don't get me wrong...I will never be one of those people that goes around hugging everyone they have ever met. I know one of those, and I love her for it, but it's just not me. I have been working this past week on trying not to over-think, as several of my friends (and I) claim I do much too often. Hugging tends to keep me reconnected with the present world, and I try to be more intentional about initiating hugs. I have trouble with this--partially because touch is still a sensitive (no pun intended) issue for me, and partially because I still have a fear of being a burden on people and unwanted by them, so I hold back. I do not reject hugs when they are offered, but I feel awkward about how long, which style, i.e. side, a-frame, etc., or intensity. Irrefutably, though, giving and receiving a hug with a close friend is so healing. It conveys multiple messages of love and caring without having to use an verbal language. If I had my "druthers," it would last however long it needs to with no pressure to end or awkward, uncomfortable tension.

I am definitely not what you would call a clingy person, but I do like the feel of another body next to me. It is one of the reasons I enjoy the animals. Provided I am somewhat familiar with the animal, they will let me hug and love on them to my heart's content. (I would NOT recommend doing this in any situation where you unsure of the animal's reaction.)  Studies have proven that petting animals will lower blood pressure, cholesterol, cortisol and raise serotonin, allergy resistance, and immunity capabilities. Basil does not have to be near me constantly, although he will follow me as I move around the house; yet, somehow, he knows when I need him to be there, and he will put his head in my lap and insist that I pet him. Laika is more like velcro and will be a cuddle buddy, and she insists on being on the couch in constant contact with me while I am watching a movie or typing my blog. Yep, she's there even now. We don't have quite the same bond as I have with Basil, but she cares in her own way, and she lets me use her as a pillow. :)

I looked into Strong's Concordance to see what, if anything, the Bible had to say about hugs or embracing in general. Although the word hug does not appear specifically in the Bible, the parable of the prodigal son is perhaps the easiest example that comes to mind. The father embraces the prodigal son as a result of the compassion that wells up in him. "But while he was yet at a distance, his father saw him and had compassion, and ran and embraced him and kissed him." (Luke 15:20) So, it seems that in any circumstance where there is real, genuine love, hugs are a natural result.

In the icon of the Theotokos above the altar that we call Πλατυτέρα(and in many of her icons), she always has her hands outstretched as a mother waiting for her children to run into her arms for comfort and solace. It is a wonderful thought that I have a place to run to that is always open and where I can relax with no time restraints or expectations.

If you want to give me a hug, I accept! I probably just won't offer you one. :)

Free Hugs
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I Need a Hug - Iain MacKintosh

Doctor Dan, he's a friendly man, big and round like a bear 
He hugs his friends, they hug him - any time, anywhere
Now the patients came for therapy to drive their blues away

And sooner or later they would feel better when they heard Dan say:

Chorus:

I wanna hug when you say hello.
I wanna hug when it's time to go.
I wanna hug because everyone knows
Hugging is good for you 

I wanna hug, it's a wonderful feeling.
Wanna hug, it helps with (it's part of) the healing
Wanna hug, because hugging feels
Like a natural thing to do

When the boss of the hospital heard about this he was most annoyed.

He said, "Hugging is sexual sublimation - according to Doctor Freud.
You can hide them, you can keep them down, you can calm them with your drugs,
You can slap them, zap them with electric shocks, but you can't give them a hug."

Chorus

He said, "Now Dan you'll have to go, this behaviour is no good.
Any deviation from the medical practice could easily get us sued.
Now, Dan doesn't feel too bad for himself; in fact, he's kind of proud,
But he's sorry for the folks who are locked away where hugging's not allowed.

Chorus

(as sung by Iain MacKintosh)

New Chapters in an Old Book

My birthday was yesterday, and it was a very good day. The end of the week is almost a 180 from how the week started off. I have been contemplating alot trying to determine where my car went off the track, so to speak.

Everyone seemed surprised at my age. When I asked how old they thought I was, the most common response was 25. This is not surprising. I have been thought to be younger since the age of 18, when people still thought I was 12. I'm not sure why, exactly. Maybe my maturity level is really low? :) I do have mostly younger friends, so maybe they keep me younger? I know I don't feel as though I am 32. I feel like I am about 23 or so. It almost seems as though I have hit the pause button in life.

In school, I socialized mostly with the NHS members, valedictorians, and honor students, and of course, being myself, I compared myself and quietly competed (and failed) with them. I see their occupations and successes, and I criticize myself harshly for not being in that same league. I realize not everyone has the same path, but even if I haven't quite made it to THAT level, what can I consider as my success in life so far?

What I love about the group of friends I have now is that they come from all over. Yes, there are many similarities, but really, the only thing in common is me. I don't know what that says about my personality, because I know usually, you surround yourself with people that reflect you. So, does that mean I am too indecisive to make decision about what I like? (Me, indecisive?? haha) Or, am I just open-minded about most things? I don't know the answer, but I love all my friends! We don't have to do anything exciting; I just enjoy visiting, and I could do that for hours on end. Sorry, everyone. ;)
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I want to love you, really, I do;
But, when I hear the voices all around us,
And, I hear the criticisms and see the glances,
I distance myself, leaving you in distress.

You have strengths.
You have flaws as I do;
But whenever I need something,
You always seem to come through.

I have ignored you for so long,
And I have no one else to blame.
I am sorry that I can't give you what you need.
It seems all I do to you is hurt and maim.

You are a very special person to me,
And I don't tell you often enough or even at all.
I take you for granted every day
And leave you in the shadows upon the wall.

Every day that I wait, we grow more distant.
Relating less and less to each other.
I just want to hug you until we end,
Until we reach that golden shore.

I cannot avoid you for always.
As each year passes, I see you more clearly.
Most of the time, I push you away,
But, when the chips fall, I want you near me.

You are not dead, I think,
But I can see you hurting.
I don't know how to fix you, though,
And that is the biggest need, I'm certain.

I promise to try harder
To be that person you need.
Just please don't ever leave me,
No matter how much I may plead.

To Forgive is More Human Still

This book was recommended (by a stranger I will most likely never meet) as a result of a prayer request. I am trying to remove the hold my past has on me. The book has had some very eye-opening content. I am still in the middle of it, but there is so much valuable information, and I feel like every other paragraph, I'm stopping to process and let the feeling of relief wash over me. I think the most important statement I have read is, "Forgiveness does NOT mean reunion." It is still a lesson I am trying to learn.

Many times when we think of forgiveness, we think in terms of turning the other cheek. Both my book on boundaries and the forgiveness book talk about healthy boundaries. Just because you have forgiven someone does not mean you have to have an ongoing relationship with that person.

Whew! What a load off my mind!

In some ways, it makes sense. It is not a healthy place to be where you put yourself in a continually damaging position. Who wants torture all the time? It is very harmful for the psyche. Mr. Smedes also talks about it being okay to blame the other person for their betrayal. Blaming them doesn't mean we understand why they did what they did. It doesn't mean we condemn them to hell. It means we hold them responsible for their actions in this particular incident. It means they cannot bother you any longer. Blame has its place. According to Mr. Smedes, "...if he did it, meant to do it, and initiated the action, he is accountable for doing it. If what he did wounded and wronged you personally, you blame him. Only then do you consider forgiving him."

I have people I have held grudges against. Most minor, 2 major, and 1 life-altering. I think where I get stuck is trying to come with some logical reason for the issue, and many times, there isn't one. I go back and forth in blaming myself because I should have been smarter and feeling betrayed because I acted out of faith, and I was torn apart because of it. What upsets me the most, though, is that the longer I hold onto the betrayal, the more power they hold over me, and I don't like other people having power over how I feel and who I am.
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Not Ready to Make Nice - Dixie Chicks

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting

I’m through with doubt
There’s nothing left for me to figure out
I’ve paid a price
And I’ll keep paying

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

I know you said
Can’t you just get over it
It turned my whole world around
And I kind of like it

I made my bed and I sleep like a baby
With no regrets and I don’t mind sayin’
It’s a sad sad story when a mother will teach her
Daughter that she ought to hate a perfect stranger
And how in the world can the words that I said
Send somebody so over the edge
That they’d write me a letter
Sayin’ that I better shut up and sing
Or my life will be over

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

What it is you think I should

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting

Oh, Happy Day

I'm really struggling right now, and I don't really know why.

I keep crying, and just when I think I've cried myself out, I get a new onslaught of tears. I've been this way since the weekend, and it doesn't seem to be getting better. I hate myself for allowing it to continue, but I can't seem to make it stop or snap myself out of it. It's partially because I see it as weak, and also because I know it doesn't really help make me feel better, and I hate being whiny.

The other problem is that one thought sets off a litany of others. One insecurity is the catalyst to start the laundry list of things I see wrong with myself. And, believe me, I can pick them out at the drop of a hat before I even finish the question.

I've been dwelling on rejection lately, of all kinds. As I said, one instance brings all the others out to play like recess time. In the fall, I struggled with being second choice/a back-up option/2nd string/alternative in most aspects of my life. Job, friends, church, personal, family--you name it, I could give you chapter and verse to backup and validate my feelings. Now, it seems to have slipped from 2nd string to bottom of the barrel...like a leftover/reject snack at the work potluck. I've been feeling like the LAST choice, not just 2nd. Again, I can give you examples that reinforce why I feel this way, but suffice it to say, rejection has not gotten any easier. In all fairness, I'm not sure the people realize how it affects me, and it's me that feels this way. They have not MADE me feel this way. I am allowing myself to consider their opinion so high that it affects ME.

I know some friends who will tell me that it's because I'm letting my past dictate how I'm feeling, and you know what? I would wholeheartedly agree. I don't know if all of these thoughts and feelings are coming up because I'm trying to work on forgiveness for several members of my family and really people that have affected me in general but I've never really forgiven.

February is the shortest month of the year, but for me, it's also the toughest. I don't know if it's because for the past several months, we've been cooped up inside, and so I'm more sensitive in February, possibly? It is the month that has packed the biggest punches in my life so far.

I know that "This, too, shall pass," but when you're in the middle of the storm, it can be very difficult to keep the faith. Even trying to remind myself of God's infinite love seems to be a trite statement and a cop-out.

I've also realized over the past couple of days that people deal with unhappiness in others in several different ways. Some people only want you to feel better because it makes them feel uncomfortable when you are unhappy, and they want those strange feelings to go away as soon as possible. Some people try to fix you with whatever they see the problem as being whether that is the truth or not. Some people don't even realize it and take everything you say at face value because it's easy. And a few, very few, genuinely want to help you and make you feel better because they care about you as a person and as a friend. For me personally, I am a mixture of all of these, depending on my mood and my relationship to the person.

And I was doing so well...
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Leftover Choices

I cannot fake reality
And a lie is still a lie;
But I can fool many, including myself,
At least until things go awry.

Deep within myself,
I can stuff skeletons into corners.
I just turn off all the lights
And close up the borders.

I'm supposed to open myself up to pain,
But I have no desire for torture.
At what point do I say enough is enough?
At what point have a become the basest creature?

How important is anyone, really?
What do we even mean
To others who are around us
That treat us as though we're unclean?

The world relies on relationships,
It's rumored that everyone has a someone;
I'm sure in most cases that's true,
But what about when you have a no-one?

If I'm at the bottom of all the options,
Then am I really a choice?
If no one listens when I speak,
What's the power of my voice?

No one seems to see
No one seems to hear
No one is a powerful being
That will never appear.

Where seems to be the flaw?
The part that drives you away?
Why am I even asking?
No matter what, I will never be okay.

I sit, locked in my tower of titanium,
staring through the windows at passersby.
A glance upward would reveal all is not well,
But when people look, all they see is the sky.

I cannot say I blame them,
I am as cold as my tower.
I know no other way to be
All my life, I've been a coward.

God & doG

I'm having a not so good day-for a variety of reasons...

It's really my fault. I am a people-pleaser, and I constantly worry about trying to make people like me. When I feel that they don't, I get hurt and offended. It makes me doubt myself, and I wonder where my flaw is that someone wouldn't like me and what I need to do to make it better.

On my way home from work, I plugged in my iPod, and the first song that played was "For All the Saints."

Thou wast their rock, 
their fortress and their might; 
Thou, Lord, their captain
in the well fought fight; 
Thou, in the darkness drear, their one true Light. 
Alleluia, Allelu...

Then after that, it was "O Love That Will Not Let Me Go." It reminded me that when I feel upset and retreat from society and my friends and family, God will continue to chase after me. The more upset I become, the more I withdraw, and God is the only one that will continue to follow me to my deepest, darkest corners where the demons whisper. I can wholeheartedly be myself, screw-up that I am, and He still loves me. Only God and my puppies lack any kind of filter or bias and accept me completely as I am-something even I don't do. There are no requirements, qualifications, or applications necessary. There are no facades, no masks, no evading questions of how I am doing. There is only me and the love that keeps flowing freely to me. God has already fought my passions and won, and I don't have to be the captain, cavalry, and infantry all at once.

I idolize people and worship their opinions. Instead of placing my love and trust in God, I place my judgments and fear in people and emotions and opinions. I try not to be as sensitive as I am-not in a negative way, but in trying to be satisfied with myself at heart. I always argue that I am not the same inside as what people think I am, yet I have no one to blame but myself. People think I am the way I am because that is what I show them. The problem is that I show them what I think they want me to be. Eventually, I get tired of keeping up the image, and the veneer cracks. Sometimes, it's not so major; other times, it causes rifts in relationships and within my soul. It just gets exhausting to be someone else sometimes.

That is why I enjoy being involved in volunteerism, especially with puppy rescues. It gets me outside of my "poor me" mentality, and I can understand being cast aside and feeling lost and confused, and just needing a safe place to stay, at least mentally, for a little while. I don't see it as pitying the person or animal, more of a rope or buoy for the person to hold onto while they catch their breath. Sometimes in life, all you need is a breath.

I may or may not have prayed for God to show me how to be less vainglorious. Boy, what a mistake that was.
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O Love That Will Not Let Me Go - Indelible Grace

1. O Love that will not let me go,
I rest my weary soul in thee;
I give thee back the life I owe,
That in thine ocean depths its flow
May richer, fuller be.

2. O light that followest all my way,
I yield my flickering torch to thee;
My heart restores its borrowed ray,
That in thy sunshine’s blaze its day
May brighter, fairer be.

3. O Joy that seekest me through pain,
I cannot close my heart to thee;
I trace the rainbow through the rain,
And feel the promise is not vain,
That morn shall tearless be.

4. O Cross that liftest up my head,
I dare not ask to fly from thee;
I lay in dust life’s glory dead,
And from the ground there blossoms red
Life that shall endless be.

©1997 Christopher Miner Music.

To Err is Human

Why is forgiveness so difficult? When I make mistakes, I want people to remember that I have "exceptions" and reasons that I am the way I am; however, when I deal with others, I treat them on a blanket basis. When they mess up, as inevitably we all do, I am offended and confused and I don't understand what happened. The closer the person is, the worse the blinders are. You would think that with closer relationships, I would realize even more how human they are, but it doesn't seem to matter.

People are funny little creatures. We are so egocentric that we forget other people are...well, people. I forget the good things people have done for me and to me, and I hold on to the negative moments. How is that any reasonable kind of mentality? From an animalistic/evolutionary reasoning, it does make sense. If you remember the bad, you are most likely not doomed to repetition, but from a humane/rationalizing standpoint, it is very detrimental to your emotional health. In some cases, it can actually cause you to repeat your past!

When someone has transgressed against me, I see them from a flat 2-dimensional view. Of course, there is a difference between accidental betrayal and intentional abuse of trust. No matter how I felt about them before, I think of them in terms of pre-event and post-event. In some ways, the more intimate the relationship before the "event," the more impacting the damage, and the longer it takes to repair the relationship. I suppose this is normal, but all I can answer for is how I perceive it.

I am hardest on myself. I expect myself to be a certain way, and I blame myself for whatever has happened. I do not forgive myself for mistakes I've made, wrong choices, or failures, perceived or otherwise. I think this will be the hardest part. It is easier to forgive other people than to say, "You're not a perfect person, and that's okay."

Part 2 to come....
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Unspoken- Who You Are

I know that look you're givin' like you got something to prove.
'Cause I have walked for miles and miles in that same pair of shoes.
You refuse forgiveness like it's something to be earned.
But sometimes pain's the only way that we can learn.

You can never fall too hard, so fast,
so far that you can't get back when you lost where you are.
It's never too late so bad, so much that you can't change who you are.

Ooohhh, Ooohhh, you can change who you are. Ooohhh, ooohhh.

You believe in freedom, but you don't know how to choose.
You gotta step out of your feelings that you're so afraid to lose.
And everyday you put your feet on the floor you gotta walk through the door,
It's never gonna be easy.
But it's all worth fighting for.

You can never fall too hard, so fast, so far that you can't get back when you lost where you are.
It's never too late so bad, so much that you can't change who you are.

Ooohhh, Ooohhh, you can change who you are. Ooohhh, ooohhh.

So let the ashes fall wherever they land, come back from wherever you've been.
To the foot of the cross, to the feet of Jesus. The feet of Jesus.
You can never fall too hard,
so fast, so far that you can't get back when your lost where you are.
It's never too late so bad, so much that you can't change.

You can never fall too hard, so fast,
so far that you can't get back when your lost where you are.
It's never too late, so bad, so much that you can't change.
At the foot of the cross you change who you are.
At the foot of the cross you change who you are.

http://www.onlylyrics.com/unspoken-lyrics-1087340.php

Smoke and Mirrors

There's this funny rumor going around that I am a strong person. I am to blame for this, since I do give this impression on purpose. I would deny this claim, however, and state that I am selectively "human." I don't go around dwelling on my problems in public. In private, on the other hand, it is a completely different story. I muddle through situations until it either gets better or manageable. You will usually not know that I am less than okay unless you ask me directly and I trust you enough to let you know the real situation. 

My childhood was such that I was not encouraged to feel emotions or have "bad" days. My role models were secretive, closed off, and emphasized appearances above all else. I learned early on that if I was less than perfect, it was criticized and scorned. I also learned that if I did have a struggle, I had to "put up or shut up." I did not tell people when I was not strong because it never seemed to make any difference. So, I handled everything for myself by myself. I saw no point in sharing with others, either, because others were not to be trusted.

It is not that I want to be strong; it's just that I don't have anyone to be strong for me. I don't let people in easily, and I test most people. I don't mean to do it, and I don't realize it until after it happens. If the person doesn't pass the "test," then I withdraw from that relationship, and it takes quite a long time for it to repair itself. While I may be cordial with you, I will never really be as forthcoming.

I used to never cry. I say that with some semblance of pride. I realize that means some kind of damage within myself, but at the time, it seemed I was above all of "it," whatever that meant. I am working on identifying emotions, allowing myself to feel them, and then processing. I don't like crying, and I will never be one of those weepy, melodramatic sirens on the Hollywood screens. It is not that I have disdain for crying; it's just that after a certain point, it doesn't get me anywhere, and I can oftentimes feel worse, and I am still at the same emotional point.

As far as spiritually, I feel as though I am almost at a breakthrough in believing
that being me is enough to be considered God's child. My entire life has been filled with messages of "You are not ____ enough." I have despaired about this on occasion. Almost as if to shock God, I say, "I will never be spiritual/humble/nice/Christian enough, have enough good works, or work hard enough." It is sometimes amusing to think He doesn't know all of this already. Of course He knows all about me, and yet, He still pursues me just as much as anyone else. If I could just dwell in this fact and remember it all the time, I would not care about the thoughts and concerns of anyone else on this earth; not that I wouldn't care about them, but they would not be my idol. Then, I really would be strong.
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Five for Fighting - Superman

I can't stand to fly
I'm not that naive
I'm just out to find
The better part of me

I'm more than a bird, I'm more than a plane
I'm more than some pretty face beside a train
And it's not easy to be me

Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home I'll never see

It may sound absurd, but don't be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed, but won't you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
It's not easy to be me

Up, up and away, away from me
It's all right, you can all sleep sound tonight
I'm not crazy, or anything

I can't stand to fly
I'm not that naive
Men weren't meant to ride
With clouds between their knees

I'm only a man in a silly red sheet
Digging for kryptonite on this one way street
Only a man in a funny red sheet
Looking for special things inside of me
Inside of me
Inside me
Yeah, inside me
Inside of me

I'm only a man
In a funny red sheet
I'm only a man
Looking for a dream

I'm only a man
In a funny red sheet
And it's not easy

Questions and Answers and More Questions

All this time, I have been working under the assumption that it was only others whom I needed to forgive. The truth is, I really need to learn how to forgive myself. During my drive home this week, I heard a lady speaking on the radio about her work with a therapy group in which they work with helping women heal from hard pasts. She spoke about how many times in order to completely heal, we are so focused on forgiving ourselves  when in fact, it is God who forgives. If we could really forgive ourselves, then what would we need God for? We should be praying for help in allowing ourselves to be healed. I like to claim that I do not play the victim, but I enjoy the accolades and praise I get for playing the "martyr" in any conflict.

I also realized (again) today I want the best of both worlds. I want to have my fun, live my life, and then be this spiritual/religious idol that people admire without having to do any work. I don't want to endure the struggles, the suffering, the pangs of self-denial. I don't want to eat my vegetables-I just want to skip straight to dessert.

I admit that I am a strong person, but sometimes, I only struggle partially because that is what people expect and partially because that is all I know to do. Many times, it feels like I am just wading through quicksand trying to keep afloat. My hardest time was, of course, when I was a teenager. When I was 15 my parents were getting divorced, I think the abuse was pretty intense, and I was getting teased in high school. I didn't really have a "safety net," and nowhere to turn. I seriously considered and attempted suicide 2 times. Both times, it was a miraculous turn of events that kept me from dying. I couldn't tell you how I got myself out of it. I just muddled through, and eventually, I came out the other side.

I still have bad days, as many people do, but I think the difference now is when I have bad thoughts, I am better at (but still struggling with) arguing against them instead of falling victim to the trap. I am better equipped at recognizing when it happens, and I am better able to reach out to others or come up with some form of defense-animals, music, writing, etc. I still have unrealistic standards, of course, but I am also getting better at accepting what is.

I've come to believe that God continues to place me in the middle of situations that are not my preferred choice because it continually reminds me how lacking I am. When things are going well, I forget how feeble I am, and how I will never be able to do things well enough to be able to earn His love. It is only when He has stripped me to my core that I realize that no, I will never be good enough, work hard enough, be lovable enough, kind enough, smart enough, or have enough success to be accomplished in His eyes. I'm slowly getting there-to the point where that is all I need, and everything else is just rubbish. I just need to allow myself to be fully healed by God's love, instead of trying to figure everything out on my own as I do currently. Only then can I go through life's bad moments with a real smile, not only on my face, but in my heart.
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Praise You In This Storm - Casting Crowns

I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining.

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you."
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away.

[Chorus:]
And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

[Chorus]

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

That which we call a rose...

I have always been wary of excessively using the word "love."

People use love to describe all kinds of relationships to people, places, things, etc. "I LOVE that shirt!" or "I love pepperoni pizza!". I don't mind if people do actually love these things, but there are so many words in the world, even just in the American English language, and many of them fit much better. This reminds me of the elementary school taunts kids said when you stated you loved something: "Then why don't you marry it?"

I am a stickler for precise language, and while I do understand and appreciate metaphors and hyperboles, I continuously think of how inaccurate they are. I have heard words misused and twisted so much that I am skeptical of a person's true meaning. If someone overuses a word, then the impact of the word is lessened. Don't say are starving when you overeat 3 meals a day. Don't claim something takes "forever" when you only had to wait a few minutes longer than normal. I am guilty of this as well, but it does not mean I allow it any more in myself than I do in others.

We often find ourselves contemplating how to describe love. How do you know when it is love and not just an illusion? Does it have to be reciprocated to truly be love? Why do you love some people and not others who are similar? How do you differentiate between different types of affection? Does love always manifest itself the same way? If you question it, does that mean you don't really feel it?

To me, love is still a fairly new concept. My personal experience with it is that people use "love" to hurt you and make things go their way. One family member abused me, another abandoned me, and yet another just used me. I am not screwed up enough that I don't logically realize this is not all over the place, but the key word here is "logically."

There is a quote that says "Love is giving someone the power to destroy you...but trusting them not to." (Unknown) I think this is too simple and inaccurate. Yes, you should trust someone you love to not hurt you, but at the same time, someone can only hurt you if give them that power. I think, ideally, you should be strong enough to stand on your own. I also think this sets up a dynamic for the relationship which can quickly turn to a codependent one if both partners are not on the same page. I understand, obviously, that there is sacrifice. There always is when you are in relationships of any kind with other people.

I do care about my friends and family, although I don't tell them nearly enough. As far as having been "in love," I'm honestly not sure how to answer that. I can tell you when I am angry, I can tell you when I am sad, and I can tell you when I am confused, bored, excited, nervous, etc. I cannot, however, immediately tell you when I love someone. I suppose I am gun-shy about saying it because I worry that as soon as I admit how much I care about someone, it means I need them, and then I am in their power, and they have the capacity to hurt me, if I allow it. I am trying to tell people more how I feel about them, so I never have to worry about people wondering. I am determined, though, that when I do say "love," it will not be a word that I have just bandied about and used in any flippant occasion. It will be a conscious intentional statement so that the person hearing it is left in no doubt as to my feelings.

I CAN genuinely say that I love my dog, Basil, so I've got THAT going for me. ;)
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Deborah Cox - Definition of Love

Write it down a thousand times
four-letter word that makes me cry ,
how I feel about it I can't decide
No I don't know, so I'll improvise,
Is it living in our heart?
Or in our mind, I don't know.
So world ready or not,
Here I go, searching for the answer,
And I'm not gonna stop,
Till I find where it lingers inside me,
How does it come to be?
What should it mean to me?
Teach me the definition of true love.

I was so afraid I'd never succeed
But you made me feel I could do anything
Memorize the things we would say and do
Must be the love and strength that I found in you
Is it living in our heart?
Or in our mind,
I don't know
So world ready , or not
Ooh, Here I go searching for the answer
Till I find where it lives inside me

How does it come to be?
what should it mean to me?
Teach me the definition of true love
Love only feels so good
True love always believes
And it gives way the boundaries,
Willing to sacrifice unconditionally
So world ready, or not
Ooh, here I go
searching for the answer
and I'm not gonna stop
Till I find where it lives inside me

How does it come to be?
what should it mean to me?
Teach me the definition of true love